Clementine

LOVE, AND OTHER WORDS CLEMENTINE TAUGHT ME

2012-01-24T01:49:00.000-07:00

Being 40 when you have your first baby is super rad. But I must admit that days after we had Clementine Nate declared "Let's do this again soon" and I retorted, "Why did we wait so long in the first place?" I love being Clemmy's mama right now, just as it is, forty and fabulous. But I feel a little silly having lived 40 years before I learned the meaning of certain things. I graduated with a degree in English. My vocabulary is okey dokey (see?), but then along came Clem and my eyes were opened. Case in point:

SAHM: Stay at Home Mom. Yes, I joined some online mom communities. I knew there would be questions I'd have at 2am and the Internet would be the only one awake to answer them. SAHM gets thrown around a lot, as does DH (dear husband), LO (little one) and EFF (exclusively formula feeding). That last one stings because EBF (exclusive breast feeding) moms think you are pathetic and lazy. Suck it EBF moms. I EFF and my baby is strong and healthy and PERFECT. Sheesh

MAMA BEAR: I thought I had a handle on this one. I've always said that if you mess with my family or friends I'll go "mama bear" on your ass. But I think I only knew how to go "bear" on your ass before I had Clementine. For example, let's say you're unkind to my sister. I would come to your house and tell you exactly what I thought of you...throwing in all sorts of expletives and "why I oughta's". Say something unkind to Clementine and while I'm at your house giving you the "what for" I'll also reach into your chest, pull out your heart, and feed it to you. THAT is how I serve up a little mama with my bear.

PARENTAL PRIDE: I just didn't understand those tacky parents who drove around with the stickers that said, "Proud parent of an honor roll student." Oh, I get it now. I mean, if I thought you'd listen I'd tell you how Clementine is the world's best sleeper/pooper/smiler and that she eats solids with such voracity that I want to stand on my front porch and tell the world that my miniature-born preemie baby eats solids way better than ANY BABY EVER DID while I held her little body up toward the heavens ala Lion King.

OVER-PROTECTIVE: My plan before I had Clementine was to go back to work. For my sanity. Yeah, right. Let me just say that I've caught myself telling my own mother how to feed my baby. I've also given her pointers on how to change a diaper, read a bedtime story, and burp. My. Own. Mother. Hi, I'm Tonia, and I'm over-protective. If I've ever let you hold Clementine, feed her, change her, or look at her for too long, then you know I love you and trust you with my most precious possession.

LOVE: Sure I loved before Clemmy. I loved my family, my friends, Nathan. Nate has been known to make fun of me because I love so enthusiastically. He calls me Elmira after the Tiny Toons character. I grew up hearing my parents and Sunday school teachers tell me that Heavenly Father loved me. I sang songs about it in primary. I knew it as a fact the way I know that Abraham Lincoln was a good president; because someone told me he was. But after I held Clementine for the first time; saw her tiny wrinkled body thriving and strong; recognized her graceful, patient spirit; witnessed this miracle baby sprint into life with the kind of gusto you read in a Hemingway novel; I thought, Wow, Heavenly Father does love me. He loves me enough to let me take care of THIS little one. And he probably loves me the way I love her. I really had no idea about love.

Are you kidding me with this face?

LOOK UP

2012-01-21T01:06:00.001-07:00

I read a well-written and perfectly-timed article from the Huffington Post by Glennon Melton a few days ago. I was feeling really down about my body, getting super tired of the two pair of black yoga pants I keep wearing, tired of all my sloppy t-shirts, tired of my gray hair and ashen skin. Just tired. Period. I cannot blame this on Clementine. She sleeps 8-10 hours every night. Has since she was 8 weeks old. I did nothing to make that happen by the way. She gets all the credit. Anyway, read the article. It will change your perspective.

So after I read the article I knew I had a choice. I could look up or I could look down.

When I look down I see my morphed body. What used to suck in now doesn't. What used to be tight is now...not. When I look down I see the crumbs on the floor and the dust bunnies floating around and settling in great numbers in the corners. When I look down I see the laundry I sorted but didn't get around to doing anything about. When I look down I see my dirty tub and toilets, a stack of books I keep meaning to read, Christmas stockings I never finished making, a bag of clothes that needs to go to the DI. When I look down, my bed isn't made and there are dishes in the sink and formula spills on the couch. When I look down I miss Nate's face.When I look down I get down.

When I look up it's a different story. I see Clementine doing an amazing superman impression, above my head. When I look up her face swallows me up and hours pass unnoticed. When I look up I see Nate's eyes that I swear can speak to me if I'm quiet enough. When I look up I see the walls and ceiling which rarely look dirty. When I look up I see potential and hope. God is up there, too, just hoping I keep this perspective a little longer. When I look up I'm alarmingly present and living in the moment. When I look up I don't see myself and the body I've become. Looking up, I'm aware of who I really am and it has nothing to do with yoga pants or dust bunnies and the dirty toilets.

So much time has been wasted looking down so I quit. To hell with it. Tonight I watched Nate give Clementine a bath. My two favorite people splashing and totally connected. Both of them smiling. I smothered lavender and chamomile lotion all over Clem's body and noticed how soft her feet are. I put her in those cute polka dot jammies I love. I fed her carrots and apples and bananas and parsnips and she ate it all with the ferociousness of a lion. And then we rocked and I told her the story of when she was born and I watched her eyes sloooooooowly close. I would have missed it all searching for buns of steel.

So I think I've just figured out what my resolution is. Scrap all the "go to the dentist" and "lose 30 pounds" because that will come in time. But if I live this year...or better yet, if I live this LIFE looking up, then boy have I really lived.

I love taking Clem on walks and talking about stuff!

AH, THIS IS HEAVEN

2012-01-12T22:16:00.003-07:00

I think I'm like most (if not all) moms. We go along fine for a long time, hit a wall, need a break, and then come back strong to do it all over again. Yesterday, I needed a break. Wee Clementine decided she was too grown up for naps which all but killed me dead. Because even though she's just 5-months and doesn't run around or demand snacks all the time...she gets a little whiny. And needs to be held. All the time.

Yesterday I bounced, played, cuddled, fed, burped, changed diapers, sang songs, danced like a wild animal, made so many absurd noised my lips were numb (all while wearing pajamas and bed hair). I just needed a break. So I took one. I parked Clem in front of the boob tube to watch a little Dr. Phil and I turned off my brain for a while. I think I might have just laid there in the fetal position for a little while. I thought, ah, this is heaven.

Thoughtful as ever, Clementine slept thru the night and then took an epic nap from 7:30-10:30am. We met Kym and Lily at Porcupine Grille and had a stimulating business meeting followed by lots of girl talk at their house. When we got home tonight we played on the floor and then did our nighttime routine (bath, baby massage, jammies, solid food, 2 books, bottle, bed...it sounds longer than it takes).

I was burping Clemmy before I laid her in the crib, her head rested on my shoulder, her body melting warm into mine. She fit so perfectly there on my shoulder, in the crook of my arm. Snuggled. She smelled like lavender and clean when I kissed her ear. She was softly singing to herself while I danced around the room. Bono was singing:

"You say you'll give me
Eyes in a moon of blindness
A river in a time of dryness
A harbour in the tempest
But all the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you."

I closed my eyes, wrapped my arms around her little body and thought, ah, THIS is heaven.

Clementine in vintage Tonia circa 1971.

FOUR AND TWO

2012-01-11T15:21:00.001-07:00

I'm taking a break from all my syrupy posts about Clementine...but just for a minute. Don't get too used to it. I wanted to share four reasons why I HATE Fear Factor and two reasons why I like it.

I HATE fear factor because:
1. Nate keeps saying, "we are doing this together before we die." I'm like, "the hell you say."
2. Watching people being handcuffed inside a cage and sunk to the bottom of the ocean while waiting for their partner to hit a bulls-eye on a target from 300 yards, sixteen times, in order to free them. Well, let's just say it gives me anxiety for DAYS.
3. I'm not too jazzed about seeing any woman 9-months postpartum with a washboard. Further, I'm not jazzed that Nate now knows it's possible.
4. After I see anyone dive into a pool of blood, fish out pig hearts with their teeth, and toss them into a bucket...with their teeth, I feel like I could throw up and the feeling stays with me for a week. Until the next episode.

I LIKE fear factor because:
1. Hearing Nate laugh demonically while watching people gobble up hissing cockroaches and grasshoppers the size of my fist is kind of worth it.
2. It's nice that the host has a job again, what with the economy being shitty and all.

WHAT I WISH FOR

2012-01-10T00:47:00.002-07:00

Because Clementine came six weeks early, we missed being the guests of honor at two baby showers. My mom and sisters were planning a book shower since there is some statistic that suggests any child with more than 20 books {or something like that} has a much higher chance of going to college. We really wanted to stack the deck for my little one.

The other shower was being planned by dear friends. They custom-designed invitations and decorated the house with handmade tissue pom poms, paper garland and hand-embellished baby onsies. We missed the original date but rescheduled when Clementine was about 2-months old. During the shower they handed out these beautiful little cards and asked people to fill them out. They had statements like "I hope you grow_____", and "I hope you learn_____" and "I hope you aren't afraid of _____". It was fun to read all the wishes my friends had for my daughter. The daughter that lay asleep in the arms of one of my dearest long-time friends the entire night.

Their answers included things like "I hope you grow a garden" and "I hope you learn to ignore mean people" and my favorite, "I hope you aren't afraid of your own smell". I can't wait for Clementine to be old enough to understand the wisdom and the humor of their answers. If she is anything like me she'll swoon at the sentimental ones and belly-laugh at the funnies.

When I think about Clementine getting older I do have certain wishes for her. They don't waiver. I want her to be confident. To know she is loved unconditionally by her parents. To find good friends and keep them forever. I want her to know God and appreciate his creations. I want her to be kind, sincere, adventurous and determined.

There are even things I hope she inherits from me (as imperfect as I am). I hope she is natural (please little one, don't wear gobs of makeup), I hope she cherishes people (for I do), I hope her heart is big (sometimes too big, the world needs it), I hope she can fall asleep easily, give good hugs, trust her intuition, try new things. I hope, when she least expects it, she'll be overcome by a sunset, a mountain or a rainstorm...I mean REALLY overcome. I hope she loves walking a busy city street and a mountain path equally well. I hope the ocean soothes her soul. And may she do all of this while whistling a Wilco tune or something from the great Johnny Cash.

For me, my wish is simple; may I be patient and fiercely loyal. And may I live to be 150 years old so I don't miss a minute of this miracle called Clementine.

Do you have any special wishes for you and yours?

I SUCK, COMPARED TO...

2012-01-06T00:37:00.002-07:00

Yeah, about once a month I get deep into it. I'm not as pretty as... I'm not as fit as... I am so unburdened with talent. I practically don't exist at all. Thank you womanhood. I don't know how I'd stay humble or manipulated by self-doubt if you didn't exist.

It's hard. I think some people have a tendency to compare themselves to others. While others have a tendency to be the ones we compare ourselves to. Sure, I know I'm comparing my worst to their best, or something like that. But it really doesn't make any difference at 2am when I have insomnia and some girl takes rad-er photos, writes more vibrant posts, lives lovelier, styles herself in more than 2 pair of black yoga pants...well, you get it. Blogs are inspiring. And at the same time, at least I can leave a party if I start coveting someones ability to perform magic. A blog though, it never goes away. It's still gonna be there with another post about how their accomplishments are like 40 gazillion times more amazing than mine.

But you know what gives me hope? The baby monitor is on and every once in a while my little Clementine, 47 paces away from my bed - sleeping in her own crib in her own room, she stirs. I hear her soft sighs and the rustling of her body as she wiggles around to get comfortable, and I'm liberated from my head, from *her blog, from my general suckiness. Yes, my ass is bigger than hers. And my blog will never be relevant or rock like hers. And OH MY HELL I'm 40 and she's like, what, 23? But I'm the only one lucky enough to have Clementine.

*her is basically anyone that I'm not. I'm not referring to any her in particular. But her knows who her is.

THANK YOU 2011

2012-01-02T18:31:00.002-07:00

Two Thousand and Eleven has been both ugly and beautiful. Without getting specific, the ugly part ended around 5:00 pm on April 20 whereupon my frown turned upside down and I was able to liberate myself from a really bad situation. Ridiculous circumstances; ridiculous people. Ahhh. Relief. Freedom.

But let's focus on the beautiful part of this year. Please. The beauty started late in 2010 when little Clementine secretly joined our family. I didn't know. Nate didn't know. But Dec 31 we both discovered her clandestine plan and celebrated in secret among friends. There was something fun about locking eyes with Nate in a room full of new-year celebrators, and sharing THAT secret with him.

I became more real in 2011. Removing the crap gave me the opportunity to really figure out who I am. So, let me introduce myself. I'm Tonia. I turned 40 this year; I'm told I look 30 which I find kind of fabulous. I love lip gloss but recently decided to try red lipstick. I take long baths but it's less realistic with a baby. I like trying new recipes and I'm almost always surprised when they taste good. I curse less these days but when I do I REALLY mean it. If you see me picking my cuticles you'll know I'm either nervous or bored. I hate socks.

I'm a mom now. Three short days after turning 40 (and six weeks ahead of schedule) a little 4.5 lb Clementine burst into our lives with such vim and vigor. I've never met someone and immediately known what kind of animal they would be...until Clemmy. I spent ten days in the hospital, staring at this little person who was more brave, patient, ferocious, determined and gracious than anyone I've ever met. She was my LION. Which I guess makes me one, too.

I'm much quieter. I don't mean I've stopped talking or being super obnoxious; I just mean that my thoughts are more quiet. It's a little more peaceful in my noggin now. Clementine had a lot to do with that but so has weekly therapy and LOTS of hard work. When I'm tired and the week before my period, all bets are off though.

I had someone at the doctor's office call me a homemaker and my heart jumped into my throat in the same way it would if someone told me my baby was ugly. I'm still working through that one. Changing my VP acronym to SAHM (google it) has been super tough but one of the very best things I've ever done. However, could someone PLEASE figure out a good way to help mom's feel more appreciated. Maybe mother's day will work; I'll let you know.

And let's be clear. If my body wasn't so freaking comfortable in yoga pants I'd be wearing those super cool colored jeans this season. I love them. Probably bright day-glow yellow and saturated blue.

In March, Nate and I sat in our hotel room on the 8th floor of the Marriott in Oahu and watched the destruction of the tsunami hit Japan. And then we settled in for a long night as we heard emergency alarms sound all over the island. In April we went to Arizona to hear The Black Keys (rad show) and then flew to San Diego to see The Kills the very next night. I was pregnant and believe you me...we got good seats because of it. Clementine enjoyed the shows.

Thank you for the good and the bad, 2011. Thank you for teaching me so much, taking so much away, and then giving it back tenfold. Thank you for being beautiful. For Clementine. For jobs and a home. For Nate. Thank you for family, for my hair, for yoga pants and the internet. Thank you for friends and love and baby formula. Thank you for mammograms and c-sections and baby magic lotion. Thank you for being over now so I can start new and fresh.

Also, and completely unrelated, LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL MY LION IS. Did you just melt into a big human puddle on the floor? I don't blame you. It's been my constant state since July 22, 5:47pm.

THIS HOUSE MADE ME SMILE

2011-12-30T23:57:00.002-07:00

I try to keep my house tidy. And like most people it can get the best of me sometimes. It's not at it's worst, that's for sure. That might be the day I was baking banana bread, doing all sorts of laundry, wrapping presents...you get the idea.

A year ago I tried to live a very grown up life. You know, nice coffee table books out to make me look smart and interesting. A cashmere (faux) throw tossed over the corner of the couch. The cool candlesticks I got in Africa and the man-on-cow wooden carving Nate picked up in the Philippines displayed so everyone would know we were well-traveled.

When we first had Clementine one of my friends dropped in to meet her and he told me that finally we were like everyone else..."you have baby stuff everywhere". When I heard that I was all, "hell to the no". I mean, there was still some old Tonia remaining. The girl who thought her house defined her.

Tonight I was upstairs and I stopped at the window that looks over our greatroom. As I gazed over the unkept room I saw Clementine's swing in the corner, her play yard in the middle of the floor, a baby blanket on the chair, her car seat stashed behind the chair, a bumbo seat on the counter and several baby bottles laying around. And this house made me smile. My clean, grown up house never gave delight the way a tiny sock laying on the floor can.

TODAY WAS ONE OF THOSE DAYS

2011-12-13T23:08:00.000-07:00

It started out like any other. I awoke to the sound of my wee one cooing in the bassinet. I savored the contrast of my warm covers and the cool-ish underside of my pillow. And I foolishly imagined what it would be like to sleep undisturbed for just one more hour. Then, like pulling off a band aid, I got out of bed.

Clementine took a late morning nap and I tidied up the house. Then she had a bottle and we played for a while. We sang paddy cake and practiced reaching out and grabbing things with our hands (this pays off later in the day). After a bath she took another nap which allowed me to make some lunch and do some online Christmas shopping.

5:00 rolls around and while Nate took a shower (sometimes we don't bathe or brush our teeth until 5pm) Clementine and I played mama tiger and tiger cub. This game is my new favorite. It basically goes like this: we growl at each other and then Clementine attacks me, open-mouthed, and gums my face until I'm completely drenched in cub drool.

Then it happened. I'm hoping it happens to other moms, too. Cause it totally happened to me. I handed the baby to Nate, put on my coat, ignored the fact that I had greasy hair and no makeup on, and ran from the house. I had to. It felt like I was going to go crazy if I spent one more moment breathing the air in there. Sure I just roamed the aisles of Walgreens and Target, but it was simply the most enjoyable 90 minutes I've had in a while - greasy hair and all.

After that, I drove home, hugged my husband and scooped up my baby because I missed them both.

THIS I BEQUEATH

2011-12-12T17:17:00.000-07:00

Have I got bad habits. Lots and lots of them. Probably at least one for every hair on my head. Look, I'm not bragging about it; just being honest. That might be one of my bad habits right there. I'm pretty open and I really don't think there are many taboo topics. So while I'm being honest others might find me irreverent (at best) or really offensive (I'm sure...many times). In the middle of a story it's not uncommon for Nate to sing out "TMI Tonia, TMI.
So, I've become really worried about Clementine adopting my bad habits. I've heard time and time again that a child's biggest influence is the same gender parent which means I have the honor and burden of being the biggest influence in Clemmy's life. SCARY. Scary because the voice in my head can be really critical and mean and it has an eagle eye for every flaw I have. Scary because I can be lazy. Scary because I'm tremendously addictive. Scary because the fear of failing often stops me from trying. Scary because the pursuit of perfection is exhausting.
I've spent some time talking with my therapist about my fear of passing on bad Tonia-traits to Clementine and have had an "aha" moment. Thru our discussions I've learned that no one is perfect and every parent is sure to pass on dozens of bad habits to their offspring. There's really nothing we can do about it. Any of us. So I'm focusing on something else. If Clementine sees me openly working on my faults, without judging myself, then she'll realize that it's okay to be imperfect. She'll see that life is just a process of working on yourself, to improve what you can and accept the rest. If I can pass this self-acceptance and self-improvement on to her then I'll be forever completely proud of myself. Also, I apologize if Clementine is irreverent or offensive. She learned it from me.
The end.

We were both sick. So we snuggled.

THE SICKS

2011-12-09T21:19:00.001-07:00

Wouldn't you know it. Looks like Murphy and his pathetic law have been hovering over my head, looking for just the right time for Clemmy and I both to get the flu. And that time is the exact time that Nate leaves town for four days. Clem and I have been sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, and fevering all over each other since Monday.
My little lion cub has been so good even though she can barely breath and her body aches and her head hurts. She still gives me giant gummy grins every chance she gets and the kisses...oh the kisses she plants so forcefully on my cheeks are like a slobbery love-lick from the family dog. Sick or healthy, I'm totally in love with this brave girl that has kicked the ass of her premature birth.
Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to go snuggle next to Miss Congestion herself.

shhhhh.

SHE CHANGED ME

2011-11-30T20:19:00.000-07:00

When I found out I was pregnant last New Year's Eve it changed me. I was no longer just Tonia. I was responsible for someone other than myself and I embraced it with the warmest of hugs (mixed with a smidge of "OH MY HELL...I'M GONNA BE A MAMA?"). All I needed that New Year's Eve was Nate's smile and his hug all full of excitement and I was in. Still scared witless but ALL IN.

There were obvious changes that came with pregnancy like cankles and a fat neck but I tried to take all that in stride because what are you gonna do? Right?

Then came July 22. I didn't realize I was going to meet her when I woke up that morning. And then the sweet nurse put her little face near mine and our eyes locked and in that moment I literally transformed. I think to truly understand how much I changed you'd have to know me before Clementine. I didn't really express a lot of emotion. To put it bluntly, more than one friend referred to me as "dead inside". Sad but true. I'm the girl that never cried at sad movies, never understood what it felt like to cry out of happiness, and absolutely never lost control in public. EVER. Not because I thought it was bad or inappropriate but because I certainly didn't like feeling so exposed. I felt the emotion to be certain...but never so impulsively that I couldn't trap it in my head and not allow it to seep any other place.

Then along came my beloved Clementine. The best way I can describe what happened to me is that she cracked me wide open. I suddenly felt so vulnerable and happy and honored and freaked out to be her mom and I was literally blind-sided with every emotion imaginable. Some I was familiar with and others I'd only heard about. That first week in the hospital was such a roller coaster of mostly unexplored ups and downs. I'd sit in my hospital room attached to the breast pump and sob. Sometimes I would sob because I was happy to know her; finally. Other times I'd sob out of fear. Just thinking about all the mistakes I'd have to watch her make or the heartbreak of seeing another kid be mean to her.

So the uncontrollable crying has stopped. But what is left is a vulnerability. I'm now someone who cries or feels emotional several times a day. I hear "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire" and think about celebrating Christmases with Clementine and Nate and, oh, there is a lump in my throat. I look at my unfinished dining room and imagine dinners and holidays and birthdays spent there and, yup, here it comes. I look over at Nate kissing her on the cheek and I can hardly avoid blubbering right into my brussel sprouts.

So there you have it. I'm forever changed. Forever. And I absolutely love the new me.

My two favorite sets of lips. And yes, I almost lost it in my brussel sprouts.

THE SURPRISE POOPY SONG

2011-11-13T16:53:00.000-07:00

I sing about EVERYTHING. I sing when I bathe Clementine (All the babies in the house must take a bath, take a bath, take a bath). When I'm cooking in the kitchen and she's hanging out with me (Hey Cookie, whatcha cookin'?). I sing lullabies to her when she sleeps (I am like a star shining brightly, shining for the whole world to see...). There is a toe jam song, a diaper song, a poopy diaper song. Literally, a song to sing for every occasion.

Clementine is a formula baby. She eats about 4 oz. of Similac Sensitive every 3-4 hours. We tried to breast feed. Oh, how we tried. In fact, I'd like you to meet my lover for a solid month. So the breast feeding thing didn't work for us but formula sure has. She was born weighing 4.5 pounds and at 3 months she was 11.5 pounds. I giggle every time I think she was a preemie and spent 10 days in the NICU and is now in the 50th percentile for weight and length.

Anyway, it's pretty normal for formula babies to poop like once a day. Clementine is on an every-other-day schedule. P.S. she's only had one blow out which was more like a tiny little leak out of one leg. Minor. So she poops every-other-day and it's really easy to know when it's coming and to plan accordingly.

So yesterday (not a poopy diaper day) when I got home from the salon, I swooped her up into my arms as I explained to Nate that when I'm gone from her for 3 hours or more I start longing for her like some meth addict. I asked him to "give me her stats" which basically means, when was the last time she ate and had a diaper change. To which Nate said, "I fed her about an hour ago but I haven't changed her diaper". Not a big deal. It felt a little wet but nothing to call Child Protective Services about.

Upon removing her diaper I was suddenly overcome with the urge to sing a BRAND NEW SONG. One I'd never NEEDED to sing before. It was, of course, The Surprise Poopy Song. "Yay, Surprise Poopy. You pooped two days in a row. I betcha that tummy feels pretty darn good cause, Yay, Surprise Poopy".

That's who I am now. I'm the girl who wears knit covered in spit up, washes her hands so often they resemble leather gloves, and the girl who sings rad songs about everything. Even surprise poopy. Don't be jeal.

OH, HOW SHE GROWS

2011-11-11T16:55:00.002-07:00

Three and a half months ago Clementine was still kicking me from the inside. But then she came early and I watched how she grew. It used to be that we had to coax her to eat just an ounce of formula. But overnight she started gobbling much much more and has nearly tripled her birth weight.

About two weeks ago she discovered her hands. One day they didn't exist and the next day it was like, "oh my, what are these deliciously chubby fingers I have to stick in my mouth?" And now she does it all the time. To watch her try and suck her thumb is my guilty pleasure these days.
On Nov. 8 out of the blue, she discovered her voice. She used it before to unconsciously cue me to feed her, change her, move the blanket off her face...But on Nov. 8 she woke up and decided that today was the day she was going to sing and make beautiful sounds. On purpose. And if I could I'd have my phone on her 24/7 to record every little note she hits with that perfect voice of hers.
Being a mom is such a fascinating job. More than any marketing campaign or launch I've ever worked on, she amazes me. She literally wakes up and decides that today she'll do something she's never done before. Something that she discovered on her own, that SHE invented. And then she does it. Her little brain and beautiful little body are magical. I suppose she'll continue to impress me and take my breath away until I no longer have breath. I can only pray for such a life.

Clementine Telling Stories (click to see another video)

Green Smoothie Cleanse: Day 1

2011-11-09T08:44:00.001-07:00

I'm doing it. It's less about losing any weight and more about getting my head in the game. You see, since Clementine I've lost all sense of right and wrong. Is it WRONG to drink 4-5 Coke Zeros in a day? I don't know anymore. So, today, NO CAFFEINE. No left over Halloween candy. Just beautiful green smoothies and the occasional source of protein.

Image via Healthy Green Kitchen

This morning's smoothie was mostly spinach with banana and a few slices of frozen peach. It was good. And now I can guiltlessly get about my day. On the agenda? Clean windows in the greatroom. Inside and out. And make delicious squash soup for lunch. Oh, and fold the laundry in the dryer, clean the tub, scrub toilets and make some Christmas presents.

Dear People Magazine,

2011-11-08T23:04:00.001-07:00

I usually brush my teeth by1pm. My makeup routine on a good day is mascara, lip gloss and a little blush. Some days I don't brush my hair at all. And I recently coined the term "winter of knits" on a shopping trip with Kym and our wee ones. You see, I haven't put on any clothes with structure since I was about 6 months pregnant. Everything I wear is knit. Thank goodness there are some beautiful options out there; unfortunately an entire knit ensemble makes me look like I've had the flu indefinitely.

All this being said, I feel like a total rockstar whenever I enter a room - as long as that room has Clementine in it. She swoons. She coos. She looks at me like I'm the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON EVER. Sure, my breath might be heavy-laden with onion from last nights pico de gallo and I might be wearing this lavender t-shirt for a third day...but her eyes say, "Stars are just like us". To her beautiful big, blue eyes I'm on the pages of People Magazine and I look this cool doing mundane things like loading the dishwasher or scrubbing her bottles. P.S. I DON'T.

Don't let her expression fool you. She thinks I'm RAD.

In the end, if I'm a celebrity in Clementine's eyes, I've won the lottery.

LADY LUMPS

2011-10-27T11:35:00.000-06:00

This post isn't what you might think. It's not going to be salacious or in anyway anything remotely sexy. This is just a brief discussion about MY lady lumps. ALL of them. I guess I come from a gene pool of cysty people. If you dare say the word "cyst" at a Thompson family gathering you'll hear story after story about this cyst or that cyst. We talk about them like old friends.

Name Unknown: In 2007 I got a "bible bump"; a cyst on my wrist that caused me so much pain I had to give up beloved things like Yoga and push-ups. It was big and painful to the point that I finally went to a doctor. He diagnosed it within moments and said he "...could just pull out the fluid but it'll likely come back. The surest route is to surgically remove it." I said yes and a week or so later I was cyst-less once again.

Hank: Earlier this century, my doctor told me I had a very common fibroid in my uterus. In fact, there was more than one. We kept an eye on them to make sure they didn't suddenly start to grow and that was that. Until I got pregnant last year. Then this tiny little unnoticeable fibroid (now known as Hank among family and friends) grew to 13cm thanks to fluctuating hormones . I'm currently waiting for Hank to shrink down to a manageable size so my doctor can give me the equivalent of another c-section whereupon she will remove my uterus, take Hank out, curse him according to my specific orders, replace my uterus, and stitch me back up.

Peggy: About a month ago I found a lump on my left breast. It totally freaked me out. I've lost dear ones to breast cancer. A quick trip to my doctor and she said it was "a cyst but let me send you to the Breast Center for a closer look". I went, they took a closer look and decided to do a biopsy. I was once again totally freaked out. A week later I had my first mammogram followed by a biopsy and left the Breast Center with a bag of ice shoved in my bra. A few days later, I got the results. Benign. Peggy is benign. THANK YOU.

Nosey: Nosey is something special. I noticed it about the same time as Peggy but it has really taken off. It sits atop my nose. A few weeks ago you couldn't see it...but you could feel it. Today, it's obvious. It looks like a giant witch wart or a bit zit. I mention it only because today I'm hoping Nosey will be removed. I SWEAR IT'S MAKING MY NOSE CROOKED.

So far, this chronicles all my lady lumps. I hate each one for different reasons. I dislike being cysty but if I have to be cysty please let them always be benign. If you haven't and you are old enough, get a mammogram.

I HAD A BABY: A CUTE ONE!

2011-10-26T00:12:00.000-06:00

I knew I was carrying a pretty tremendous baby girl but I really had no idea just HOW tremendous. Exactly six-weeks before my Sept 1 due date, on July 22, the earth moved. It was early...like 4am, and my water broke. When I say it broke I actually mean it took me several hours to realize anything out of the ordinary was going on.

Around 7am, after a call to my doctor, I absent-mindedly packed a bag (see oodles of white tank tops and no pajamas) and Nate drove me to the hospital. The experience was nothing like I had imagined. First of all, it was July and I imagined it being August or September. I also imagined I'd be engaged in patterned breathing as Nate screeched around every corner of the five-minute drive to the hospital. I thought there would be a wheel chair and someone yelling "stat". Nope.

It went more like this. We drove to the hospital, slow and easy. We stopped at all the stop lights and casually strolled into the hospital like we were showing up for Thanksgiving dinner. It was July 22 and firework smoke still hung in the air. All sorts of doubt met us as the head-nurse said something about the baby probably sitting on my bladder and me not knowing the difference between amniotic fluid and pee. No one actually thought we were gonna have a baby that day. I hadn't even attended the last of my hypno-birthing classes.

But, my water had broken; I wasn't peeing my pants. And yet, I was NOT in labor. No consistent pain or contractions and NO dilation. After consulting with my doctor the nurse came back into the triage room and spoke the words I'll never forget. "Your doctor said you're having a baby today. Let's get you into a room and start the pitocin." In a flash that's what we did. My birthing ball sat in the corner while I tried my hardest to sink into a deep level of relaxation as the pitocin inched up the contractions.

When I was dilated to a ONE my doctor showed up. She explained that with each contraction my little one was having stress. She said it was time for Plan B. C-section. The EXACT OPPOSITE of hypno-birthing. But it took us about .1 second to agree and I was whisked into the OR.

I happen to have a rather large fibroid in my uterus. It measured 13cm that day. So along with the epidural making me numb from the waist down, I also got a rather large dose of Morphine in my IV just before the procedure began. I heard the doctor say, "here we go" as he pushed the Morphine into my line and from that moment on I was hallucinating. I mean, I didn't even realize I was having a baby anymore. I was flying high. Tripping out! The only thing that would ground me was Nate's voice as he narrated what was going on. He'd touch my cheek and say, "she's here" or, "she's tiny, she weighs 4.5 pounds", and my favorite, "she has hair". With every update I loved her more.

They brought her to me; she was wrapped up in a blanket and had on that cute little hat. And she was tiny. The smallest baby I'd ever personally seen. But my head wasn't very clear just yet. I remember her big eyes looking right at me as I touched her cheek and said, "hi baby" over and over again. That was our introduction. Then I remember 3 things. 1) Nate said, "I'm going with the baby" (this was maybe the one thing about our birth plan that we actually got to stick with. Nate was always to go with our little one while I stayed behind). 2) A woman, I'm not sure who, leaned down and whispered in my ear, "it's a blessing your water broke today". I don't know who it was. There were probably about 15 people in the OR during our birth so it could have been anyone. 3) The reason why it was a blessing that my water broke is because I had a "true knot" in my umbilical cord. Which is why our baby was experiencing stress with each of my contractions. It's also probably why she stopped moving as much and why I was in the hospital a week before worried about it. This is how I learned of the knot.

My head was finally clear and my sweet OB leaned down to congratulate me and tell my about our daughter. And I noticed she had blood on her visor. And then the assisting doctor said something and I looked at him and saw splattered blood on his visor as well. And then I heard a nurse say, "hey, blood shot all the way over here." I think my words were, "are c-sections always so violent?" Then they explained that as they were getting the placenta the knot pulled tight and my umbilical cord burst. BURST. IT BURST right there and shot blood all over the room and all over everyone. They told me that Nate got some right in the face (as an aside, Nate LOVED the entire experience. He didn't faint or get sick. He watched everything and found it very fascinating. Which is why I love him. Because he's CRAZY).

About six hours later, after everything was patched up and I'd proven that I could walk to the bathroom and pee, they brought Clementine in to my room. She was hooked up to an IV and wasn't supposed to leave the NICU but one sweet nurse broke the rule and I finally got to meet my baby with a clear head. LITTLEST THING EVER. So sweet. So hungry. So perfect. The nurses referred to her as the Preemie that didn't realize she was a Preemie. She was tough. She didn't need oxygen. She didn't need a feeding tube. She got the billirubin light for a day and kept her IV until she reached her birth weight. Nine days later she came home with us.

So, the short version of the story is that I had a baby on July 22, 2011. She was 6 weeks early, weighed 4.5 pounds and was so tough and graceful and brave and plucky. She broke me wide open and I remember thinking, "she has the power to destroy me". But I happen to think the long version of our story holds the beauty. It wasn't what we had planned. It was scary and cold and JULY. And it was one of the best days of my life.

Clementine Imogen Conger

This face changed everything for me.

Sleeping peacefully in the nursery. 3-days old.

My bruised beauty right after birth.

Dad and Nanna's hands.

"hi baby".

Nate's first photo as a dad.

Three months later she's 11.5 pounds and gorgeous.

MOMMY MENTOR: EVERY GIRL SHOULD HAVE ONE

2011-07-14T12:46:00.005-06:00

I'm 39 and pregnant with baby #1. Needless to say that is a lot of years spent wandering around on the earth never entering a Babies R Us and skipping the diaper isles on all major grocery excursions. But that is all about to change. And let me tell you - if getting pregnant and leaping into motherhood is intimidating for the immortal 25-year old, it's nothing less than jumping out of an airplane without a chute for someone at 39.

Why? Because we've heard the stories. Our friends have had the worst pregnancies. We watched them gain 200 pounds and grow tumors in their ovaries and hair on their backs. We watched them puke every day for 9 months and bleed from their eyes and gestate for 50 weeks. We've heard every labor and delivery horror story that exists - and at 39, you can get cankles from eating a really salty steak, never mind being pregnant. So let's just say our expectations are a little skewed.

That's why everyone needs a mommy mentor. Someone to be straight with you but hold the drama, please. Someone to tell you the real baby necessities versus the ones you can get by without. Need a stroller recommendation or someone to give you advice on which of the zillion car seats to get? Call your mommy mentor.

I know what some of you are thinking; I'll just ask my mom. What better mentor is there? Well, in most instances I'd never argue with you. My mom gives sound advice and knows me so well that her delivery of said advice is exactly how I need to hear it. But let's just say that things have changed since the last time my mom had a baby. Car seats were just being invented - I think. Cloth diapers still required diaper pins and plastic pants. And you couldn't really get away with saying the words "pubic pain" in the work place the way you can now.

So move over mom and hello mommy mentor. I'm lucky enough to have my best friend Kym a few years ahead of me in the mothering game. Our tastes are very similar and there is a huge amount of trust there. So when she said, "don't bother investing in a bassinet, just borrow one, I listened". And when she suggested I get the BOB revolution stroller (in orange) and the nicely corresponding Peg Perego Viaggio car seat in apricot, I ordered both. She also encouraged me to start having conversations with my OB about my birth plan and letting the doctor know my concerns about forceps and epidurals. Done. She has also made suggestions for baby monitors, cribs ("don't spend a ton of money on the crib, just get one at IKEA and call it good") and strongly encouraged me to get a rocker/recliner for the nursery...done an done.

Don't get me wrong, my mom will be the one to help me during my first week of motherhood. She'll show me how to bath the baby, swaddle it, and perform baby massage. She'll help me figure out when the baby is hungry, needs to be changed, or has gas. I'll call her a million times a day to ask her questions like, "does it hurt Clementine when I cut her nails?' or "if she spits up a lot, will she be hungry again soon?" And my mom will have all the answers just like she always does. She'll teach me how to nurture. And when it comes time to take Clementine to her first concert, I'll call Kym to help me pick out the perfect set of kid noise canceling headphones.

SIGNS

2011-05-24T11:02:00.000-06:00

Remember the scene in Signs, starring Joaquin Pheonix and Mel Gibson, when you can sense the aliens are coming because the water glasses start to ripple? Yeah, me too.
Baths are a part of my daily routine. They are warm and relaxing and for just a small moment in time, I can move more gracefully than, say, when I'm getting out of bed or wrestling my way out of a lounge chair. The water makes me light weight and I can shift from one position to the next with ease. If the entire earth was a bath tub I'd celebrate how easy it would be for me to swim to Home Depot right now (elegantly, I might add) to get a bag of Miracle Grow Moisture Control soil.
This morning, like many other mornings, I was sitting in the bath reading a magazine, enjoying the fact that I don't have to be at work anymore. The sun was coming in thru the window, Nate was playing some good tunes that I could hear from his office, and then it happened. Like the water glasses in Signs, my tub water started rippling. But it wasn't an M. Night Shyamalan alien that was causing the ripples. It was Clementine. Practicing her drum solos again. She can now move heaven, earth, AND water.

PREGNANCY 101

2011-05-20T09:30:00.000-06:00

Pregnancy has taught me two things. Yes, you have creepy dreams during your first trimester and of course there is the morning sickness, but that isn't what I've learned. Yes, you get really tired and you'll feel your baby kick around week 19, but that isn't what I've learned. Yes, at 25 weeks you basically cannot paint your toe nails and you may have to ask a stranger in the hospital parking lot to help you buckle your shoes, but still, that isn't what I've learned.
Aside from all the stuff you can read in What to Expect When You're Expecting these are the two take-aways I'd like to share with any woman who has yet to make the long jump into motherhood.

1. On Wednesday, when you wake up at 6:05 am in a panic because you forgot to take the garbage cans to the curb...and you thought you heard a garbage truck...give yourself about 10 minutes to get out of bed. What used to be a simple thing, jumping out of bed, now looks like you are wrestling a blanket in slow motion. And losing.

2. There are 2 possibilities for your pregnancy and which one you get is decided for you. Nothing you do or say can change which kind of pregnancy you have. You could have a graceful pregnancy where everything goes well, your skin glows, your hair gets thick and you can wear your regular jeans thru the fifth month. This type of pregnancy is usually saved for the girls who already have good skin, wear skinny jeans with dignity and can fit their calves into Hunter brand wellies from Nordstrom. Option 2 is, well, less ideal. Option 2 can also be referred to by making a few simple sounds like "Ohhhh", or "Ugh", or even "Umph!". Movies are made about option 2. Comedies. Gwyneth Paltrow may even appear in a fat suit.
There is no prenatal yoga in option 2. No dewy skin or dignified jeans. Option 2 is pure humiliation with moments of hell mixed in. Cellulite forms. Bed rest is issued. Fibroids grow to the size of a softball. Jobs are lost. There's lots of pelvic pain and cramping and contractions. You grow thick blond hair on your belly and along with a swollen tummy you also get swollen flanks. FLANKS. Trust me, if you were a cow going to slaughter in option 2, you'd have about 30 good flank steaks and rib eye on each side.
Option 2 turns you into a fart machine and if you're lucky you get random B.O. in your left armpit no matter how much scrubbing or deoderant you apply. And the best part about option 2 is that your house suffers. You still keep up with the laundry but now have piles of clean folded clothes all over the house, and fur balls have collected in the corners because you haven't done the floors in a month and a half.
On the bright side, neighbors bring you cookies and pedicures are a slice of heaven. Laying in bed on a rainy morning (you can do that because, remember, you lost your job?) brings a simple pleasure you wouldn't otherwise know. And you actually come to like the bran cereal you eat for breakfast every morning.

And there you have it. Pregnancy 101.

DEAR CLEMENTINE

2011-05-11T20:34:00.000-06:00

I found out I was pregnant on new year's eve. I was using an app on my iPhone to track my periods because unlike most 39 year olds I could never answer the Doctor's question, "when was your last menses"? I'd stammer around like a 12 year old and finally answer, "something like 8 days ago...I think".

Anyway, the iPhone app surprised me on new year's eve by saying that I was a whole month and a half late; after a lot of denial and minor league panic attacks I took a pregnancy test, reading all instructions on the box carefully.

1. pee on the wand
2. hold level for accuracy
3. wait a minimum of 30 seconds to process

Step 1 was easy but by the time I pulled the wand away to get a better look, the answer was there - flashing in my face like a strobe light. PREGNANT. My hand shook, I spent the next 5 minutes in a cold sweat just sitting on the toilet saying over and over again, "I'm pregnant, oh my hell". The reaction wasn't necessarily a negative one but probably what you'd expect from a 39 year old woman doesn't adapt to change easily. That's me.
Nate was skiing. Which in hindsight was a good thing because I had the whole day to process the news. I went to GNC and asked about prenatal vitamins and when the sales clerk asked me, "are you expecting", I choked on my answer. "Maybe". That's how I answered. MAYBE. What a chicken shit.
I consulted one friend before Nate got home. "Should I tell him? How should I break the news? What if he isn't exactly happy about it? Then what? THEN WHAT?" She advised me to tell him immediately and when I heard the garage door open I had the nearly undeniable instinct to hide in the closet. But instead I stuck to the plan. Years before, in anticipation of this day, I was shopping in San Francisco and found a onsie that said, "My Dad's a Geek". I bought it and figured it would come in handy. And it did. The onsie fit nicely into a small gift bag with the pregnancy test tied to it with a bow. When Nate got home I explained that there was one Christmas present that had arrived a little late but I hoped he liked it anyway.
When he opened up the bag all my worries went away - he smiled from ear to ear and gave me a big long hug which was exactly what I needed. It was really fun to have a secret with Nate that night as we hung out with friends at a New Years Eve party. It was our little secret and she'll be our little creation in another 3.5 months.

THIS OLD HOUSE

2011-02-01T13:19:00.000-07:00

Nate and I have lived in our blue cottage almost 4 years (in March). When we first bought it we thought it would be our home for about 5 years - at which point we'd sell it for a killing and upgrade to a bigger/better home. Reality check time. First of all, no one is really selling their homes for a killing or even a tiny profit, so that part of the plan is both sad and silly. Then, for some reason we thought we'd need more room. The 1700 sq feet on the main floor basically keeps us content. We have another 900 upstairs and we hardly ever go up there. So there really isn't any need for a bigger abode.

So I started thinking about ways we could make what we have better and I came up with a few small projects I'd like to work on in 2011. Of course this requires that we spend a lot of money which really isn't a strong suit for either of us. So these projects will be a big challenge. Bring it!

1. Rip out ugly tile around fake fire place and remove tiny mantel. Get a carpenter to build out a luxury fireplace more appropriate for the great room.

2. Get a dining table and chairs and finish the dining room.

3. Change out many of the light fixtures that came with the house and choose some that don't look like ceiling boobs.

4. Replace the leather chairs in our great room with upholstered chairs that have a colorful pattern.

5. Figure out what I want to do with the half bath on the main floor and turn it into an interesting room. It's so boring right now.

6. Apply some style to our upstairs. There are three great rooms up there and they are begging to be adored. This will include adding some well planned furniture in much needed areas and adding art to the walls.

7. Add storage shelves in the garage so we can be more organized with our stuff.

8. Organize the basement and take like a gazillion trips to D.I. and Goodwill to get rid of stuff we don't need.

9. Get a table and chairs for the back patio so we can have people over for some backyard fun. Also get a comfortable couch/chairs for the front porch - it's so big and could use a little TLC and curb appeal.

10. Decide what we want to grow in our garden and be committed green thumbs this summer.

That's basically all I can dump on my plate right now. It's definitely a stretch to get all this done in one year, but with some good bargain shopping and purposeful planning I think we can get most of it done.

Go Team!

IT'S BASICALLY A NEW BEGINNING

2011-01-19T22:32:00.000-07:00

It's 2011 for reals and Nate and I have had a big year already. I'm really looking forward to blogging for myself again so I can remember the little things that happen every day. I remember how fat I looked back in 1988 at Junior prom in that dynamite strapless, but I don't remember anything of value unless I write it down or have it tattooed on my thigh.
We already have some fun concerts on the agenda this year; Pete Yorn, Feb 16 at The Depot in SLC, The Black Keys in Mesa, AZ April 14 and The Kills at the San Diego House of Blues April 15. We also have plans to go to a few Sundance Festival movies next week. We usually see a dozen movies so this year we are going lite and enjoying it all the more.
On a professional note Nate and I are both really busy. My job gives me so many opportunities to try new things and explore social marketing and I get really inspired by that. PLUS, I'm finishing up a business plan that I hope could be a good thing for us in the future. Nate is on track to blow out his quota this year and he's traveling to Southern California as well as Arizona, Vegas and Denver. He's basically the rockstar of high performance computing, of course.

Pathetically, I like watching 16 and Pregnant on MTV. Say what you will.

We got up early to pick up Best of Fest tix

IS THIS THING ON?

2010-09-07T15:16:00.000-06:00

Life has kept me from blogging and reading a lot of blogs and oh how i miss my little corner of the world. This blog has been a great way for me to remember years gone by and now a huge gap has occured in 2009 and 2010. It's like those days, weeks, and months never actually happened. How sad.

Today is beautiful. The sky is brilliant blue and the air is warm but it has a hint of autumn; like pot roast with a hint of bay leaf or water with a hint of cucumber, it's subtle but you just want a little more. Yesterday Nate and I had a late lunch at Porcupine Grill and sat on the patio. It was chilly but the sun was warming up my face and my arm and I said to Nate, "Ah, that's it! That's the feeling I've been missing this summer." Besides a few days spent doing yard work, I haven't really had that feeling of fresh air and warm sun. Unless you count driving in the car. And I don't count that.

Anyway, today I dream of being in the mountains. Especially the mountains you can see from my office window. I bet if I drove up there right now I'd smell pine, fallen leaves, and camp fire. Can you smell that? I can!

SWEET FROCKS FROM ANTHROPOLOGIE

2010-05-23T22:56:00.000-06:00

One of each please. They would all go great with a moped, fresh salsa, ocean breeze, and the kind of sun on my face that only comes with a passport.

HOTEL FOR ROACHES

2010-05-06T18:11:00.001-06:00

I'm staying at the Marriott in Dallas. After a long flight and a long planning meeting I stepped out onto my patio to clear my head before bed and spent the next few minutes jockeying with a cockroach for the upper hand. I couldn't help but ask the question, if a cockroach made it all the way up to the 16th floor balcony, couldn't he also be clever enough to find a way into my room and crawl down my throat when I reach REM and start mouth breathing?
As a result I slept with my head burrowed under covers. Woke up with the morning sweats. I REALLY hate the roach. REALLY.

VICTORIA'S SECRET: PRETTY DAMN OBVIOUS

2009-12-01T21:09:00.000-07:00

So, Nate set our DVR to record the Victoria's Secret fashion show tonight. He said it's because Black Eyed Peas are performing. Whatever.

HAPPY DECEMBER 1

2009-12-01T20:27:00.002-07:00

I know it's cliche, but this year has literally flown by. It seems like just yesterday I was planting the garden and driving home in the sunshine. And now...now it's dark almost all the time and my office is so chilly I huddle around the space heater like it's my little private campfire. To celebrate December in style Nate and I are doing something December-ish every day.
December 1: eat homemade butternut squash soup {thank you Carrie}, kiss under real mistletoe {this must be added to regular routine}.

Tomorrow we'll put up the tree while listening to Christmas music. Agnes will certainly LOVE having a tree to bat around.

SWINE FLU: THE TAIL END

2009-11-23T10:11:00.001-07:00

So, I've made it through the body aches, the fever, the sore throat, the vomiting and other discomforts. They are just a blur now. My days starring as a walking bio hazard are so over; sorry Jack Bauer. But the tail end of this flu, the flu topped only twice before by much, much worse physical pain but less life threat {once I had strep, laryngitis, and infection in both ears. That might have been #1. #2 was simply THE WORST strep I've ever had. My sister gave it to me because when she had it and referred to it in the same way I secretly didn't believe her. So she passed it to me and soon I was enduring the strep and eating crow. Crow doesn't go down well with strep}is as irritating as it is painful. THE COUGH.

I mean, I usually fall asleep around 9pm. You can find me in lounge wear, wrapped in my brown blanket, and doing some form of mouth breathing by 9-9:30 every night. But not last night night. Last night, like an old Chicago song, was dedicated to coughing up a lung that, as it turns out, is attached to other parts of my body. So welcome headache, stomach ache and sore throat. Come jump back in bed with me and THE SWINE. Apparently we aren't done with you yet.

picture by Jen Matthews

I'M SWINEY

2009-11-20T18:35:00.002-07:00

On Wednsday afternoon my chest started to feel heavy and I had a minor dry cough. Within hours I felt every symptom associated with swine flu. Even the ones you can't talk about in mixed company. I had 'em all. All day Thursday I was miserable; my aftenoon was a collage of naps on the couch, infomercials, oprah reruns, silent tears, texting Nate to please come home from Portland immeditely to drive me to instacare, and on and on.
When Nate finally got home at 8pm he took me straight to the hospital where I was lovingly diagnosed with H1N1, handed a few perscriptions and an inhaler, and given every validation I needed. They even made me wear a SARS mask while I sat in the waiting room. I felt like it was a sick person version of the scarlet letter.

Today I've slept more than I have in months and I'm still exhausted. And bored. And I have no voice. Nate has been a good nurse and I plan to thank him with a kiss and a hug as soon as I'm back in good health.

You can feel sorry for me if you want. I really appreciate empathy/pity when I'm sick. That and strong whiskey.

DEAR JCREW; BESTILL MY HEART!

2009-11-15T21:59:00.000-07:00

I know I've been gone for a long time; I know it's shallow of me to come back and immediately just start talking about JCrew, but when you see my favorite things you'll totally understand. Have you ever just pretended you had a lot of money all the things you could buy with it? I just did and this is what I picked out for Christmas.

Chiffon Petal Vest

Belstaff Roadmaster Jacket

Silk Ruffle Jacket

Jaspe Sequin Slouchy Sweatshirt

Linen Silk Pants

Silk Posey Blouse

Silk Pajamas

Tuxedo Jacket

Twill Minnie Pant

See what I mean? When you first realized this post was just about JCrew clothes you thought it was stupid and shallow. And then, for a minute, you were lost, the sky was blue, wool didn't itch and you have perfectly pink rosey cheeks. Oh, and you wear silk pajamas camping. In the Andes. In the middle of the winter. See? We're the same after all.

FIVE THINGS I'M DOING TOMORROW

2009-10-06T01:35:00.000-06:00

1. Workout. Not in the morning because it's almost after 1am and I'm not sleeping. But I will workout. Tomorrow is the beginning of the rest of my fit life. Is that "Oprah, live your best life" enough to make it happen?
2. Make a decision about my hair. Do I get bangs? Do I cut it shorter? WHAT AM I DOING WITH THIS MOP?
3. Walk around with good posture and see how many people ask me if I've lost ten pounds. I hear it's the easiest way to "look like you lost weight". I'm fooled by Shape magazine every time it has a cover article about losing ten pounds fast. I buy the issue, take it home, kick off my shoes, and plan to learn the top Hollywood secret to staying thin and all the article says is, "practice better posture". Tomorrow I'm putting it to the test.
4. Make homemade dinner. The words, "Nate, let's go get Quiznos for dinner" shall not pass my lips. Tomorrow.
5. Start reading my favorite book ever, Crime and Punishment. Thank you Fyodor Dostoevsky. You have been brilliant every time. Especially with those gritty Notes From The Underground. Side note: Crime and Punishment has always been one of my top five favorite books. Nate's is Brother Karamazov. What are the chances we both fancy Dostoevsky? Remarkably proven in literature written long before we were born that we were meant to be. Right?

IS TWO BETTER THAN ONE?

2009-10-04T22:44:00.004-06:00

Nate and I took Agnes to Petco on Saturday because she had a squinty eye that looked suspicious. I think it was pink eye. But don't worry, she's all better because I'm pretty much the best pet owner and I healed her with regular eye drop treatments.

But, that's not really the point of this post. While we were at Petco it was "adoption day" and lots of pets where in cages inside the store. I talked to the Humane Society representative there about Agnes' eye and he pointed to two adorable kittens in a cage that were about the same age as Agnes. Still not the point. He then told me he had lost four kittens that morning to distemper and we both made a pouty sad face. Still not the point.

The point is this. Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, I kept thinking about those two kittens in the cage at Petco. They were Agnes' size and looked so sad to be sitting in a rabbit cage with no one to hug them or love them. And then I wondered if two cats were better than one. Not really any more work required but Agnes could have a buddy and they could play together and cuddle up on cold mornings. But the biggest reason why I thought two were better than one is because I think Agnes is a pretty happy cat and I just felt so bad that those two kittens were going back to the Humane Society to sit in a cage. A CAGE. Not to a home with carpet and a fireplace and two people who love them and feed them regularly and comb them and take them in the car to explore.

Maybe two is better than one. I'm still trying to convince Nate.

And P.S. Is this how cat ladies start out? With good intentions?

I NEED A VACATION SO BADLY I CAN TASTE IT

2009-10-04T21:30:00.005-06:00

Yes, Nate and I took a vacation in February. It was marvelous. With that in mind, I"m not sure eight months has ever felt so distant. And by "distant" I mean, did it ever really happen in the first place? I need a vacation. Time off. A few days to relax, write, think of something other than work, and get my life back.

And now, in an effort to take a mind-vacation without requiring my body to go with it, I'll dream up a few perfect get-a-ways. This is where I'd spend free time if it truly existed.

GET-A-WAY #1: African Safari
I love the romance of a safari. And when I say romance I'm not talking about long walks at sunset. I'm talking about watching a giraffe run across your path, it's neck swaying so strange it will stay with you forever. I'm talking about dozing off in a wall tent and hearing a lion's roar echo over the valley.

I dream of doing this again. Of smelling smoke from the fire, seeing a warm glow of light inside a tent, hearing and seeing animals so beautiful and dangerous the only thing to do is panic and smile all at once.
Of course, when I imagine this trip, I always smell like Aveda products and carry leather luggage and look like Keira Knightley.

GET-A-WAY #2: The Beach...any beach
I'd go anywhere for good beach. I have always wanted to go to the Outer Banks. Something about that region, that beach, is so fundamentally simple and beautiful. It's not complicated by all the coconut shell bikini tops and steel drum bands. I love a beach that is warm enough to wear a bathing suit but cool enough that you can wear a gauzy scarf to keep the chill out. And there is all that old-timey sailing going on with wooden boats and topsiders.

Be it a safari or a beach, one things is constant. Nate.

ONE OF THOSE DAYS

2009-09-29T21:16:00.000-06:00

Have you ever had one of those days where, though you get out of bed, you never really wake up? Or one of the days where everyone else seems to look put together and happy with smiles and shiny stuff around their eyes, and your eyes are saggy and all you can manage to see is that hideous patch of gray hair that is growing undeterred over your right temple? How about one of those days where your blackberry keeps buzzing so continuously that you lose your patients and maybe pick it up and throw it against the wall in your office? And lastly, had one of those days lately where you know you've gained weight, and you know the only way to break the cycle and reclaim your former body is to get off your couch-loving hiney and work out. But you don't. Because of all the stuff about being tired and living in a fog and being disappointed with your life and accomplishments and how easy you lose your temper and just plain laziness?
I had one of those days today. Real bad. And now I see that Out of Africa is coming on encore and while I'm tempted to watch this three-hour epic and cry my eyes out, I'm not going to. Because I'm too tired. What's the date again?

MEET AGNES

2009-09-27T18:11:00.000-06:00

July 24, Nate and I adopted a tiny little gray kitten and named her Agnes. She's now 3.5 months old, has gained about a pound and is really fun to take pictures of.I'm taking a digital photography class and Agnes is the perfect subject.

I COULD PUT GOOD USE TO:

2009-09-21T22:00:00.004-06:00

This and this.

CPR ON AN OLD CONCEPT {A-Z: I}

2009-09-21T21:48:00.002-06:00

Long ago I started a little series with a nod at Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life. I got as far as H. I"m going to pick up where I left off. With "I".

I: vowel {pronounced "eye"}

Impossible: Most things I've ever accomplished started out being categorized as "impossible".

Insomnia: I'm having a relationship with my insomnia. Things are rocky to say the least. My relationship with sleeping medications like Ambien and Trazadone, however, is definitely showing more potential.

Introduce: Things I want to introduce into my regular routine 1. yoga 2. healthy meals {3 of them plus snacks} 3. peace 4. just enough sleep 5. running 6. blogging 7. something new 8. reading 9. patience 10. meditation.

I love you: Words to live by.

NOT TOO OLD FOR A BIB

2009-09-13T23:50:00.004-06:00

I love these bib necklaces from Etsy.I love how they looks with jeans and a plain t-shirt. Effortless and interesting.

SOCIALLY RESPONSIBLE TOYS

2009-09-02T20:06:00.004-06:00

Shopping in a little toy store in Breckenridge, I met these green toys. I love them.

REMEMBER WHEN

2009-09-01T22:03:00.007-06:00

I used to blog regularly? I used to be interesting? I was a good friend and called you once in a while? I thought exercise was more than hypothetical? I watered my plants?

If this blog were a singer it would be called Dusty Springfield and this would be my album cover.

I've been busy. This summer I've traveled to a bazillion different Marriott properties in cities I barely breathed in. I'm not proud of my absence. In fact, it haunts me in those hours when I should be sleeping but when my mind thinks about product launches and what a brilliant marketing professional might do in my shoes.

This post reminds me of my girlhood journals. I'd start strong; keeping my readers {all the older versions of myself that would read it someday} updated on every mundane detail of my 10-year old life. And then, around page four, I'd start to slack. Gaps would form and I'd have months of invisible days that basically never happened because I'll never remember them again.

One of those unrecorded days might have recounted the first goal I scored in co-ed soccer or how I thought my 4th grade teacher, Mr. Dunkley, was "a fox". I might have had entries about my first date, my first kiss, my first job, my first anything; but they are all lost in the empty pages between July 12, 1983 and...now!

When Clementine came to be one night in August 2006, I had lots to say. I was anxious to recount anything that drew a pause or a second thought or a sigh. I was consistent and have a great log of almost three years of my life with photos and links and a few comments. But now it has all these gaps; gaps where forgotten stories belong.

I'm going to avoid all the details that make most memories charming and just go for the basic facts. Once I catch myself up to Sept 2, 2009, I'll tell you what color my toenails are and how I love this new t-shirt I got from jcrew.

Summer Trips: NYC {2x}, San Francisco, San Diego, Orlando, Denver {4x}, Seattle, Minneapolis, Pheonix, Chicago, Iowa...I'm forgetting places. That doesn't seem like enough.

Big Events: Family reunion at my house, my 38th birthday, I got platinum status on Delta, celebrated my 4th anniversary, Oquirrh Mountain Temple dedication

Concerts: Wilco, The Dead Weather, Depeche Mode, Lollapalooza

Adoptions: Nate and I rescued a 2-month old kitten we named Agnes. I'm fairly certain she already has abandonment issues.

Workouts: Three (3o minutes in Orlando, 30 minutes in Denver, 30 minutes in San Diego

I miss Clementine. I miss the occasional comments. I miss the ability to use the search capabilities of blogger to remember what it was like to be 36.

And now, because I promised you I'd include these details, my toes are a pearly nude color, and I love this t-shirt from jcrew.

WHOOT WHOOT FOR KYM!!!

2009-07-06T07:50:00.003-06:00

If you've read this blog at all you know that I adore this woman. I have a girl crush on her. I consider myself a better person because I call her my friend. Today is Kym's birthday. She's so smart, brave, clever, beautiful, talented and funny. If you get all that wrapped into one person, and that person is willing to be your friend, you've just one the jackpot!

QUICK UPDATE

2009-07-05T22:23:00.005-06:00

It's getting late {10:30 which translates into Tonia's bedtime} so I'll be brief out of necessity.

Nate and I were supposed to be in London right now. We were supposed to see Blur play in Hyde Park. We were supposed to take an entire week of vacation. But we didn't. It's sad but true. We canceled our London trip and alternately filled up three days in Denver. We stayed at the Courtyard on 16th Street, worked out in their great gym, shopped at Park Meadows Mall, and saw an epic Wilco concert at Red Rocks.

It's time to go back to work. And travel. I'll be in four different states this week {Minnesota, Iowa, Arizona, and Washington}. In the midst of it all, my plans are to become a blogger again; I'm sure anyone who did read this blog has given up on the drab, old content. But I'm going to blog again and often.

In the meantime, here is a photo I took at the concert {with my new Nikon Coolpix S630 camera. Yay!}. This photo is my new screensaver and a photo I will see every day. It will remind me what it felt like to be at Red Rocks, sitting next to Nate, smelling the fresh air, seeing the Colorado sky and listening to "I am trying to break your heart."

THINGS I'VE DONE SINCE MAY 15: PART II

2009-06-11T15:25:00.008-06:00

Upon returning from NYC at nearly 1am, I did laundry in a haze, repacked my bag, and readied myself for a flight to San Diego at 9:30 the next morning. I was headed for an executive retreat for work followed by a fun weekend on Coronado Island with Nate.
Work was work, but when Nate came to join me for Memorial Day weekend the real fun began. First and foremost, we'd sleep in. As late as we wanted with no guilt. After eating yummy omelets {made to our specifications by Jose} on the patio, we rented beach cruisers and road around and through the island several times. I felt like I was living in a j.crew spread as I peddled down streets called eucalyptus and orange; passing pink and blue houses with terra cotta shingles. The flowers; oh, the flowers. Hydrangeas, roses, iris, peonies. I got such delight from the magnolia trees. Riding under the canopy I took in the aroma; the soft, warm floral scent mixed with salty sea air is the perfume I would invent if I were a perfumer.
Other activities included seafood, lounging pool-side, eating ice cream on the lawn of the historical Coronado Hotel, listening to live music, LOTS of kissing, and NBA playoffs.

THINGS I'VE DONE SINCE MAY 15

2009-06-09T18:25:00.006-06:00

Since it has nearly been a month since I last posted {my longest stint sans blogging yet}, I'm going to take my time catching everyone up on what I've been doing the last several weeks. In a word, TRAVELING {NYC, San Diego, San Francisco}.
As my last post suggests, I was in Brooklyn at Craftacular for the weekend in May. Craftacular is a pretty groovy craft bazaar that takes place each year in Brooklyn. We were there demonstrating our new product and getting acquainted with several of the indie artists that travel country-wide to show their creations. It was a lot of work but really fun. And a reminder that I should always travel with at least one girl for shopping companionship.
I bought cool golden earrings in the shape of large flies and I get compliments on them everywhere I go. When I get a decent camera I will take a snapshot and post. They are just that cute!
Here are a few snaps of Craftacular in Brooklyn. I'm told the line to get in wrapped around the block. It was fun to be surrounded by such creative minds! And yes, the lighting was extremely poor in the building. I swear it gave me a migraine.

I also spent an afternoon at the Stationary Show which was like walking around in a candy store. I, again, met a lot of really cool artists, many of whom I plan to do some work with this year. I heart NYC.

I'LL BE ENJOYING THE WEEKEND HERE

2009-05-15T20:40:00.003-06:00

I'm in Brooklyn for the weekend. I'm here for work but I expect it to be a lot of fun mixed in with the hours and hours of screen printing and product demos.
Have a great weekend.

WHO'S THAT TREE?

2009-05-13T21:36:00.005-06:00

The Rockstar and I live in a pretty progressive neighborhood. Our sprinkling system is connected to a satellite and provides just enough water based on the current and impending weather. If it rains, our sprinklers don't turn on. Miraculous!
But now...NOW things have just been turned up a notch. We just got an email today that explains each of our community trees will be tagged with an RFID. Here's a little more information from the email.

"In response to this need, XXXXX is working with the Salt Lake County Million Tree Program, South Jordan City and G. Brown Design, Inc. to develop an urban forestry management program. This program is the system by which the trees will be properly monitored and provide a streamlined management approach through the use of a tree inventory and mapping system. The inventory contains information about each tree including: Unique Tree # using a RFID (Radio-frequency identification) tag that is 1/2” long x 1/8” diameter glass capsule embedded into each tree, Scientific Name, Common Name, Location, Tree Condition, Caliper Size, Canopy Size, and Photo. After the tree has been tagged and evaluated, it becomes part of a tree database and computerized mapping system."

I guess all those plans we had for stealing trees and adding them to our backyard are squashed!!

CREWCUTS FIRST CATALOG

2009-05-03T22:30:00.007-06:00

These images from the first-ever Crewcuts {J.Crew mini sized} catalog are as sweet as a summertime lemonade stand.

FAVORITE QUOTE OF THE WEEK

2009-05-03T22:08:00.003-06:00

Nate and I have been hypnotized by a very long and thorough documentary of rock called, "HEAVY, The History of Metal". Now I know more than I've ever wanted to know about bands like Quiet Riot, Twisted Sister, and Motley Crue. One quote we heard made the hours of mindless rock trivia worth while.
Jani Lane, Warrant front man, wrote Cherry Pie one night. It was supposed to be just one track on the new album originally titled, "Uncle Tom's Cabin". But once Cherry Pie was embraced by the record label, the album was retitled Cherry Pie. Lane continues, "...the album was cherry pie, the record was called *cherry pie, I was suddenly doing *cherry pie eating contests, I was known as the *cherry pie guy, my whole life was cherry pie. I wanted to shoot myself in the *head for writing that song." *explitives removed to respect the PG13 rating of this blog.

Haven't we all been there with Jani Lane? We work our whole lives to be the best we can be and one little mistake, one dumb move, and we're forever known as "the cherry pie guy".

RAISE A PINT

2009-04-29T22:56:00.004-06:00

Subtitle: I'm a FEMALE!

This morning I was walking into work from the parking lot and I passed a big, looming red cross bus parked out front. We all know what that means. Blood donation time! I didn't sign up but knew they would not turn me away so into the bus I hopped.
Now, mind you, I don't wear a lot of makeup, and lately I've been letting my hair air dry so I lack that polished, put together, feminine essence. But I'm still a girl. I wear jewelry and heals and lip gloss. So I was surprised when the nurse asked me my gender...at three different times. I started to get a little paranoid that I looked man-ish. I had to shrug that off because having a needle jabbed into my vein is way too important to get distracted by questionable gender.
There was a time when needles and blood and finger pricks didn't bother me. And they still don't; if it's on TV I'm fine. But the moment a real live person starts toward me with a sharp object (needle, knife, pencil, temper) I get woozy. Similar to getting sick on amusement park rides, this is an aversion that started later in life.
Anyway, I gave my pint, in less than 6 minutes. I felt pretty accomplished while I ate my fig newton and chatted up a bleeding co-worker. But as other people where being prepped, I knew I had to make it out of that bus. I felt great most of the day. And I skipped lunch on accident.
Fast forward to my commute home from work; it's a 40 minute drive. Those 40 minutes were some of the most uncomfortable I've had in a while. I felt at once an anxiety attack coming on AND a fainting spell. Once I got home I pulled on my sweats and languished on the couch making the Rockstar serve me food and fetch me important things like water with ice.
I'm glad donating blood makes me feel this way. It helps me realize how important blood is, and how ridiculous it is that I don't donate more often. I'm disappointed that I don't jump into all the red cross vans I see idling at the curb. I mean, if I feel this depleted with one pint missing, how must someone feel that is actually in need?

I THINK I WANT A GNOME

2009-04-28T20:35:00.003-06:00

There are a lot of gnomes out there. But I happen to like him best. He would be perfect wandering around our yard, patrolling the garden and keeping our tomatoes safe from thieves. He's on my must-have list for spring.

BABY, YOU ROCK!

2009-04-21T07:28:00.005-06:00

Subtitle: Happy Day Rockstar

It's Nate's birthday today. He's 33. This morning I wanted to slow down just a bit and spend some time with him; I will be late for work for anyone who is looking for me.
Last night I made dark chocolate cupcakes and added semi-sweet chocolate chunks for extra rich chocolatey flavor. Topped off with vanilla icing, I think the cakes-on-the-go will be perfect for our hectic lifestyle. After Nate went to bed I hung up the birthday garland that Dayna made for me, wrapped his presents, and tidied up the living room. {sorry, my camera is still broken so you'll have to use your imagination}
This morning Nate opened his presents. BBQ accessories from his family, and a music-themed birthday from me. He got tickets to see Franz Ferdinand tonight at The Great Saltair {one of his favorite live shows}, a double guitar stand to accommodate his acoustic and electric guitars, a custom designed, earth friendly guitar strap {looks like this} from Souldier Straps {check out her Etsy store} for his new Fender Jaguar, music magazines for pleasure reading, and a London Moleskin journal for our trip there in July to see Blur. I also found a nearby guitar shop that gives reasonably priced guitar lessons so it's just a matter of finding an open slot in his busy calendar.
Happy birthday to the music-lovin' birthday dood. Baby, you ROCK!

HAPPY DAY HUGO!

2009-04-21T06:00:00.002-06:00

It's Hugo's birthday today. He's lucky to share his birthday with the Rockstar {pictured together on their birthday in 2008}! Hugs and kisses to Hugo...hope your day is full of trucks, trucks, and trucks!

Love, Aunt Tonia

A CHAT FROM NATE

2009-04-19T09:03:00.002-06:00

While I was at work on Friday I wasn't signed into gmail for most of the day. But at home, I was. At some point that afternoon, Nate was trying to get the sound on his laptop to work and using gmail chat as a testing ground. When I came home from work, this is the chat I saw from Nate sitting on my desk top.

NO SHOES: REPORT

2009-04-16T22:53:00.005-06:00

I did it. I went the entire day barefoot in support of the TOMS day without shoes. Here's a report out in the form of a haiku.

Feet on cold cement
It's for a cause I tell them
Off come their shoes, too.

{photo from getty}

DEAR BO

2009-04-14T23:00:00.004-06:00

Dear Bo, the new "First Dog".
How is it possible that you get a Breaking News banner on CNN? Are you more important than people losing jobs or the weather report? How is it that Anderson Cooper spent valuable time from his life covering the story of you and the Obama's making friends and running together on the white house lawn. Just asking.

Your pal,
Tonia

p.s. Yes You Can!!!

GRAFFITI: LEAVE YOUR MARK

2009-04-13T22:40:00.007-06:00

Salt Lake City has had some trouble with graffiti lately. I've noticed it on exit signs which can be particularly dangerous if you don't know your way around. It's so irritating to see a city employee suspended above the freeway to clean off a sign that has been covered with someone's spray painted mark.

I read about these badass knitting graffiti groups in Handmade Nation and LOVED the idea. Nothing they tag is damaged, nothing requires fixing, it looks pretty and it's hard to look at and NOT consider someone's loving hands making it. I wish this kind of group would swarm into SLC and give us some covered tree trunks, street signs, and park benches. They can start at my house.

AND I LOVE HIM

2009-04-12T23:13:00.004-06:00

Nate and I had a great day today. We had a nice morning, gave one another modest Easter basket goodies, spent a few hours in church, took a long nap, and snuggled on the couch. Tonight he spent about 30 minutes practicing Anarchy in the UK {Sex Pistols} on his new Fender and he's now listening to the new Depeche Mode album.
I'm very lucky. He's brilliant to look at, his mind intrigues me, he's one of the silliest people I know and he shares his grand laugh with everyone. With Nate, I know life will challenge and bless me. I'm glad I have someone so perfectly suited to me; finding him has been a perfectly timed discovery. And I love him.

HAIR COWARD

2009-04-12T22:08:00.005-06:00

This weekend I had a hair appointment and I was determined to do something different. I've grown bored with my appearance and I wanted to give myself a new look. I decided to get bangs. Not just any bangs, thick, eyelash grazing, blunt cut bangs. Bangs like Lily Allen or Naomi {from Rockstar Diaries}. By the way, don't they look alike?

I printed out photos of each beautiful girl and walked into the salon with casual confidence. But then I got worried as we discussed the procedure. While I think they look super fabulous on others, I wasn't sure I loved them on me. My face suddenly gained about 20 pounds when simulated bangs were added.
If bangs were out, what could I do to spice things up? Destiny, my stylist, suggested I play with color. We toyed with the idea of dark chocolate brown and I almost went for it until I held a swatch of color against my face. It just didn't work with my skin tone. Reluctantly, I concluded that I'd get the same cut and the same color.
Destiny, knowing me well, threw out one last idea. It's nothing big, and certainly won't start any trends, but I now have two random blond chunks of hair hidden at the nape of my neck. You can't really see them unless my hair is pulled up {which means they will always be visible since 1/2 my life is spent in a pony tail}.
I guess I'll need to learn a new hobby or language if I want to spice up myself. For the next six weeks, bangs are off the table. I'd show a photo, but I haven't replaced my broken camera yet.

OH. THE. SHAME.

2009-04-12T18:40:00.003-06:00

Subtitle: It's a good thing we aren't parents.

It's Easter. I've known Easter was coming for weeks now; it's hard to overlook a holiday ushered in by lots of chocolate candy lining the shelves at the grocery store. Nate and I had just waved our friends goodbye this morning and had just hunkered down on the couch to relax for a bit when I remembered, "IT'S EASTER". Luckily I had purchased a few measly things to put in a basket for Nate and he had managed to do the same for me.
With the realization that Easter was upon us, we turned our back to one another, assembled the baskets, and then turned in surprise. Later at church, I realized that I hadn't purchased anything special to make for Easter Sunday dinner. At home, Nate dug into some leftovers and I nibbled on chips and salsa.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, It's a good thing we aren't parents.

p.s. Our camera broke. Just one day it decided it was done performing and broke right there in my hands. So until we replace it with a new one, you'll have to enjoy stuff I find in google images.

GO WITHOUT SHOES FOR ONE DAY

2009-04-10T14:48:00.002-06:00

I LOVE Tom's Shoes. I like their message, I like their effort, I love the simplicity of the one-for-one concept {we donate a pair of shoes for every pair you buy}. If I could I'd mandate that everyone buy one pair just for the simple fact that it would mean so many little feet would have something to wear.
They have a challenge coming up. April 16, leave your shoes by the door; go without. It's just a way to remind us of how important, how imperative, it is to have a pair of shoes to wear from here to there. Especially if your here to there is miles and miles and it's the only way you get food and water.
This challenge brings up a lot of old memories for me. Nothing as spectacular or philanthropic. When I was 20 I got a tattoo on my foot. I was told it wouldn't be guaranteed if I wore shoes {all the rubbing could cause the colors to bleed or fade quickly} for about a month. No shoes for a month? Well, I could have worn flip flops but it was January so it didn't make much more sense than going barefoot.
So I went barefoot. On campus at Utah State University the "no shirt, no shoes, no service" policy wasn't enforced. I tell people you could wear a gold lame bikini to school there and no one would say a thing. After a few weeks with no shoes my feet became very tough. They braved cold weather, different surfaces, things being dropped on them. By the time a month had passed and I could wear shoes again, I just didn't feel like it. Minus a few occasions, I figure I spent about a year shoeless, toe rings and all.
But that was my choice. And I didn't have to walk miles in volcanic soil just to take a sip of water. Come April 16, I'm going shoeless. I may have to warn people at work so I don't get called into HR for some dress code violation. If you are in a position to go shoeless on April 16, join me.

TODAY I FEEL BAD

2009-04-06T22:58:00.004-06:00

I woke up having this kind of day today. Listening to Jaymay seemed to help. Here's to a better tomorrow.
{Image via Swiss Miss via for me, for you}

IT JUST FELT RIGHT AGAIN

2009-04-06T22:27:00.003-06:00

July 3, 2009, Hyde Park London, Blur. Get ready UK, Nate and I are coming to get our Rock Star on; good and proper.

THIS WEEKEND

2009-04-06T16:56:00.004-06:00

Nate and I took care of my niece and nephew this weekend. I had a fun day all planned out that included playing, going to the lake and feeding the birds, movies, Easter egg hunting...
Here is a little video of Adelia and Nate throwing bread to the birds. If you could hear the real audio it would be incredibly loud and all bird noises! Enjoy.

BEST SOUNDTRACK FOR RUNNING

2009-03-25T22:17:00.002-06:00

I started running at 6am in the basement. It's lonely down there, staring at the cement floors and storage boxes. What would really help is a good workout mix. I need a good variety of songs, lots of upbeat tempos. Suggestions please.

COMMERCIAL WORTH WATCHING

2009-03-25T21:58:00.001-06:00

I love this commercial for car.com.

Reminds me of the introduction to Amelie.

DIRTY LITTLE SECRET #1

2009-03-23T20:30:00.006-06:00

There are a few good movies I'm proud to say I could watch over and over. Then there are others. Others I'm embarrassed about because the cerebral half of my brain knows they are completely stupid. But the other half could watch them over and over again while sitting on the couch in a lump.

The movies I'm embarrassed to admit I like include but are not limited to:
1. The Mirror Has Two Faces
2. Bed of Roses

Do you have an embarrassing movie that you LOVE to watch in the privacy of your own home?

I WAS TEASED FOR BEING A TOMBOY

2009-03-23T19:56:00.003-06:00

When I was in middle school I got my first job as a paper girl. I delivered The Herald Journal in true 1980's style. A-symmetrical bob, "risky business" style sunglasses, lots of jelly bracelets, and an attitude that probably seemed pretty off-putting. I was channeling my inner Madonna.

If you can imagine a 14-year old girl in strappy gladiator sandals {we called them Jesus sandals in the '80s}, ratted out bob with a pink checkerboard shaved in the back, lip gloss, and a saddlebag style carrier worn over my shoulders; I was a complete site to behold. I still don't like small dogs {sorry all you small dog owners but they snap at people's heals and you never discipline them} and have issues with the smell of newspaper ink. Imust admit I'd LOVE to have a newspaper girl with such an attitude, delivering the news to my front door.

I remember one boy about my age sitting in a tree in his front yard yelling, "Tonia is a tomboy. Tonia the tomboy. Tony the tomboy", and I was heartbroken. I was trying my absolute hardest to be ultra cool and somewhat mysterious and there he was, sitting high on his pedestal {or tree branch}, calling me names.

Twenty-three years later I'd certainly love to wear these AG tomboy jeans {from Anthropologie} to the day party portion of my 20th high school reunion, find that stupid boy and let him call me Tony the tomboy all he wants.

SXSW REVIEW

2009-03-22T18:10:00.002-06:00

I spent just a few days in Austin and came home exhausted. We set up a booth between Craftster.org and the free beer tables at The Art Project in East Austin. The event opened at 11am; our tables and tent had just arrived so we busily set up shop and got to work.
There was just two of us for about 2 hours and people kept lining up for free t-shirts and tote bags screen printed on site by yours truly. I did everything from screen print to cleaning screens to drying ink and heat setting it.
The good news is that we gave everything out, received really good feedback and positive interest in the Yudu screen printer. But oh how my feet hurt when I got back to the hotel. I washed the ink that had found its way all up and down my arms and scrubed the tired out of my eyes.
The sad part is that I had to leave Nate there; he'll be in Texas for the next five days. We swore to each other that next year we were doing SXSW the right way - with tickets to shows and the willpower to stay up all night. To summarize the trip in just a few words: fast and furious.

SXSW HERE I COME

2009-03-18T22:38:00.003-06:00

Not that I've been an incredibly structured blogger these days; I have been so incredibly busy. I will try to post some photos and a review of South by Southwest this weekend when I return. In the meantime, I'll be going here for the next few days.

TWENTY YEARS!

2009-03-17T21:55:00.004-06:00

Twenty years ago I wore the cap and gown and graduated from high school. TWENTY. YEARS. AGO. The reunion is coming up this summer and I get to help with the planning. Any fun/unique ideas? I haven't gone to any of the other reunions so I don't really know what goes on at these things. If you've been to a particularly great reunion {and it doesn't have to be the 20th} let me know what made it so fun so I can copy every detail!

MISTER WOULD LOOK GOOD IN THIS

2009-03-17T21:31:00.007-06:00

Is it too much if I get this for N for Easter? I think it would look great rolled up and tucked into his easter basket. And even better on the him.

I also like these but N wouldn't; he's a t-shirt man. All from UO.

HOORAY FOR BRANDI!

2009-03-13T19:04:00.005-06:00

She turns something like 23 today!! And she has promised to name her forthcoming baby boy Nathonia in honor of the Mister and I.

{cake photo via of marthastewart-dot-com}

LUCKY STARS!

2009-03-13T18:36:00.008-06:00

I have been combing through the pages of the April issue of Lucky. Three things strike me.

1. Gossip Girl's Jessica Szohr has fabulous hair. How can I get my hair to look like that? Does it require lots and lots of product and hair spray and a stylist that will primp on me for hours in the morning? I may consider getting all glam with product if it means I can look as tousled and effortless as she does. I can't afford the stylist unless there is a very talented person looking for a summer internship. Sorry, the position doesn't pay.

2. I want to try the think waxy kohl crayon by Guerlain to get the perfect smoldering eye. It reminds me of an eyeliner I saw from India. It looked so much like charcoal and smudged perfectly around the eye. Not the look for a spring morning...but definitely a good look for evening in any season.

3. Achelle Dunaway, creative director of E.L.F. Cosmetics was thinking of me when she created Eyebrow Treat and Tame {see previous post}. I'm picking it up at Target this weekend to see how well the" sci-fi-ish fibers subtly fill in sparse areas so it looks like your brows are actually fuller". This should nurse me through the awkward teen phase of growing out my eyebrows.

UPDATE: This product is impossible to find. And I cannot bring myself to buy online and pay twice as much for shipping. Anyone in the SLC area know were I can find it?

EVER TRIED TO GROW OUT YOUR EYEBROWS?

2009-03-09T22:01:00.004-06:00

I've decided I want my eyebrows a bit thicker. But oh, the agony of growing them out. I'm in that awkward phase where anyone looking just thinks I'm lazy and need better grooming habits. I think the discomfort and public shame will only take another week and then, sweet eyebrows!

I read that during this "ugly" growing-out phase, I should wear fringy bangs or a hat. I can wear a fedora one, maybe two days, but then I'll just look like a suspicious Tom Landry without the respected football coaching record.

YES, SOMETIMES WE COMMUNICATE THE OLD FASHIONED WAY

2009-03-08T22:48:00.005-06:00

And sometimes we just enjoy the silent humming of our laptop batteries and the tapping of each other's fingers on keyboards. I think it shows maturity; only a really magical relationship can get away with this and be stronger as a result. The Mister is saving the world doing unmistakably difficult things on Linux. I am reading blogs and tweeting to prove I'm still partially among the living.
This is just like Mister and me in bed in our blue room.

ROAD TRIP: MUST DO

2009-03-08T14:51:00.006-06:00

I used to road trip a lot more when I was in college. Glacier National Park. Santa Fe, NM. California {anywhere}. Vegas. The Tetons. The Shakespeare Festival in Oregon. Zion's National Park. Moab. Music festivals in a Winnebago.
The lists go on and on. I just love loading up on junk food, buying magazines, putting great music on the iPod, and hitting the open road with a trusted confidant who happens to make wonderful conversation.
These images from JCrew have me longing for a road trip. Some place warm with lots of little shops to explore and yummy cafes to eat. What's your favorite road trip? Would you recommend it as a must-do?

FOR REAL PAYLESS?

2009-03-05T22:51:00.003-07:00

These are actually cute! I love the vibrant blue. They would match nothing but "go" with so much! And no, they aren't leather, but that is so eco chic these days!

HOW TO PICK UP DOG POOP

2009-03-05T20:08:00.004-07:00

I live in a great neighborhood. Lots of parks and walking paths, big front porches, and a lake for kayaking. They send us an email every few days for updates and reminders on fitness classes. So when I saw this super helpful email I knew I had to share.

How to Pick Up Dog Poop

Whether you like it or not, you are responsible for cleaning up after your dog. Not only is the waste not a pretty sight (or smell), but it’s also a breeder of germs and disease. Dog feces plays a significant role in water pollution, especially in cities, and the bacteria that makes its way into streams, lakes and the water table can make people sick. Here are some ways to minimize the unpleasantness of this task.

Steps

1. Take your dog for a walk, Keep them on a leash, and bring a plastic bag for yourself to hold. You could also tie the bag onto the leash.
2. Walk and enjoy the day out, but once the dog stops and smells the ground, be ready start removing the bag from your pocket, and start opening it.
3. Hold the leash with your one hand, as you maneuver the bag with the other. Or, if you are not alone, ask the other person to hold your dog’s leash. Put your hand into the bag, grab the bottom of the bag with your fingers, and pick up the mess on the ground.
4. Use your other hand to pull the top of the bag over your fist, retaining the poop inside the bag.
5. Tie the bag tightly, and dispose of it in the nearest trash receptacle.
6. Continue to enjoy your walk with your dog.
7. Wash your hands thoroughly when you get home.

Tips

1. Always carry more than one bag.
2. Some pet supply stores have doggy bags that are scented. You may want to try some!
3. If you can’t bring yourself to handle the poop, even through a plastic bag, purchase a commercially made “Pooper Scooper”. These usually consist of a handle on the one end of a long arm, with a double-sided shovel on the other end.
4. When picking up with a plastic bag: On Grass, make a claw like circle with your fingers-get as far under the poo as possible, then lift.
5. Plastic grocery bags work great for picking up dog poop. These bags do sometimes have a tear or two, so it helps to use two bags – one inside the other.
6. Holding your breath until you’ve picked up the poop and tied a knot in the bag helps a lot.
7. Assert yourself when you see an irresponsible or unprepared pet owner who fails to pick up their pet’s poop by offering them one of your own extra bags, and if they don’t take the hint Contact the XXX Community Association at XXX-XXX-XXXX to report the incident.
8. Violators will be immediately assessed a $25.00 Fine per occurrence.

HOME SWEET HOME!

2009-02-25T21:01:00.017-07:00

We got back from Mexico on Saturday night. Our house still looks like a tornado touched down with sand and snorkels and flip flops scattered everywhere. I need a maid.
We had a great time on vacation. We ate good food; stayed in beautiful resorts; went spelunking in an underground cave; kayaked and snorkeled; concurred scuba diving; rode bikes; played in the ocean; and crashed a Pat Benatar concert.
In response to Kym's request for photos, here are a few.

SENTIMENTAL TUNE

2009-02-08T22:04:00.002-07:00

I was singing this to Nate tonight and figured I'd share.

CURRENTLY READING

2009-02-06T16:47:00.004-07:00

This book is totally interesting for anyone who loves to craft. Especially if you have an indie edge!
The Author, Faythe Levine also has a documentary with the same name that I look forward to seeing later this year. Disappointing that I missed her presentation at CHA. Get it, read it, enjoy the inspiration.

HOORAY FOR KATHY!

2009-02-05T21:29:00.003-07:00

It's my sister's birthday today. If you've ever met a woman dedicated to her family and committed 100% to everything she does...you know Kathy! Love you sis.

FORGIVE ME, I'M FEELING BEACHY

2009-02-03T21:45:00.004-07:00

When you are headed to Mexico in eight days and twelve hours, something happens. It's unconscious like blinking or falling asleep after you've sipped half a bottle of Nyquil. You start thinking about the beach. Daydreaming about the sand and palms. About walking in that foamy intersection of water with sand. You imagine warmth at your back as you lay at the pool and read a magazine. And you can almost taste the authentic salsa. Right?
About a week out, EVERYTHING starts to remind me of the beach. My coconut shampoo and conditioner, sun shining through my windshield as I drive on the freeway, and music. Reggae is the easiest connection - but I was singing along to Danny's Song (even thought we ain't got money, I'm so in love with you honey), and all I could think about was the beach. Why? because forgive me, I'm feeling beachy.

RUN, DON'T WALK

2009-02-03T10:01:00.004-07:00

Free grand slam breakfast to any and all at Denny's until 2pm. 'nough said.

BOO ON MONDAYS

2009-02-02T22:13:00.002-07:00

Despite all the positive affirmations and other tricks people try to pull...Mondays suck. Full stop. This is a public service announcement going out to anyone recently victimized by a Monday. You aren't alone. And to all the Mondays past and those yet to curse us with your presence, damn you!.

BOOK OF US

2009-02-02T21:29:00.004-07:00

Our romance in 150 questions. I bought a similar book that I'm planning to fill out for Nate and give it to him on Valentine's Day. We'll be somewhere in Mexico celebrating the sunshine and our free right to snorkel ten times a day. I'm sure he'll be sun drunk and he'll absolutely love it. Here are a few of the questions included in the book.

If this had not happened, we never would have met....
My very first impression of you and what attracted me to you was...
This is how I remember the first time we met...
The traits I most admire about you are...

If you had time and creative energy, I think it would be fun to custom write your own questions in a personal design and then hand write the answers. I have to go with the pre-made book with my busy schedule.

GLIMPSE

2009-01-31T12:41:00.003-07:00

Nate went skiing today. This is the chat we had while he stopped for a break. We are WAY immature.

Nate

baby are you really on?

Me
are you?

Nate
yeah, on some wireless in the cafeteria :)

Me
sweet. I'm just getting ready to get ready to leave.

Nate
...with my ipod

Me
rockin

Nate
fine,you hate me :(

Me
no way.
i loooooove you

Nate
yes way

Me
you hate me

Nate
watcha gonna buy at the downeast?

Me
just browse
i'd love to get a cabinet for the half bath

Nate
no, you hate me

Me
i don't

Nate
forbidden ;)

Me
what is forbidden?

Nate
your picture is so hot n'stuff (to buy cabinet)

Me
what pic is hot?
what one????

Nate
the pic that's on your profile

Me
that's nothin
you should see me in person

Nate
the one that I see in the chat

Me
you should see me in person

Nate
got any moods?

Me
photo doesn't do me justice
moods?

Nate
I mean noods

Me
noods?

Nate
nudes

Me
oh, nudes.
well, I do. but I don't put them online

Nate
I like the oo spelling better

Me
yeah

Nate
so...we'll have to get you actually using you iPod n'shiz

Me
i know. i've been negligent
and busy

Nate
yeah...busy hot :)

Me
what ya eatin?

Nate
freakin hot

Me
freakin hot? not hardly

Nate
skittles and cliff bar

Me
oh, yummyu

Nate
gonna come back for a real lunch in about 1.5hrs

Me
nice. just catching your breath?

Nate
you're totally freakin'got

Me
it looks like a nice day
not freaking hot baby.

Nate
I gore the hyppglycemia

Me
that's never fun to ski with. all dizzy and sweaty

Nate
I gots I mean
yeah... had to get me some sugar

Me
feelin better?

Nate
yeah
well, I must bail now

Me
me too.
have fun baby
use sun screen

Nate
this Mountain ain't gonna ski itself

Me
true dat

Nate
yes, sun screen on
later baby

Me
love you

Nate
I wuv you

Me
i know

GOT IT; LOVE IT

2009-01-29T20:55:00.002-07:00

Got this rug after it went on sale at William Sonoma Home. I unrolled it into our front room and I instantly fell in love with it. It's so plush and it makes the room feel very cozy.

PARIS HILTON AT CHA

2009-01-29T20:18:00.003-07:00

I talked the security guard into letting me into the area with paparazzi. It was all sorts of "Us Weekly" and "People" photographers mixed with me and my little Canon point and shoot. I yelled out her name a few times but I think my voice reflected off her ginormous Hello Kitty necklace. My summary of the event? Paris is a tiny person. Not just skinny but her stature is slight. She's pretty though, I'll give her that.

HOORAY FOR LILLY FAITH FREY!

2009-01-29T20:14:00.005-07:00

She is here. She is healthy. And she is completely lovely. Her cheeks are as kissable as they look.
Congrats to Kym and Martin!

DAYBREAK TRIATHLON

2009-01-23T13:39:00.007-07:00

Swim. Bike. Run. We registered. Looks like between now and September Nate and I will be working hard for our triathlon bodies. Finally, a Daybreak Triathlon.

FILM FESTIVAL BUSIES

2009-01-23T13:28:00.008-07:00

Nate and I have seen seven movies this last week which explains why I haven't posted at all. We actually had tickets for a documentary this afternoon but chose not to go. We just couldn't swing it with work. We saw great movies, nothing disappointing or vulgar which is a rarity. Hooray for Sundance.
We were lucky enough to see Jack White in a documentary called, "It Might Get Loud". I stepped into the isle of the theater and took his photo. That he didn't punch me in the face tells me he liked me right off the bat. We also saw a documentary called, "Good Hair" directed by Chris Rock and wouldn't you know it...he showed up afterward for Q&A. We were spoiled this year.

p.s. wow, i have a pointy chin.

HAPPY BARACK OBAMA DAY

2009-01-20T08:50:00.001-07:00

LOVE THE SPARROW

2009-01-18T20:01:00.003-07:00

This hoodie is adorable. I'm gonna have to save up my pennies and consider adding this to my wardrobe. Anyone who knows me knows my hoodies are often over worn. I explained to my friend Ryan the other day that I am a creature of habit. If I find something I like I don't hesitate to wear it as often as possible. To the point of feeling like I have a personal relationship with the item. I'm currently seeing a certain pair of USU sweatpants my sister gave at Christmas. It's getting serious!

DANCING AT A CLUB

2009-01-18T19:09:00.002-07:00

When I'm dancing at a club I am pretty sure I look nothing like this on the dance floor. But in my mind, you can sure bet I think I do.

SUNDANCE FESTIVAL + WORK

2009-01-17T23:23:00.004-07:00

I'll be spending a bit of time in Park City this weekend. Nate and I saw the premier of "It Might Get Loud" a documentary about the electric guitar. It featured Jack White (of The Raconteurs and White Stripes), Jimmy Page (of Zeppelin), and The Edge (of U2). Jack White was in the audience and sitting right across the isle from us. So I snapped a shot.

After the movie Nate and I headed up to the Eco Lodge where we are sponsoring a craft space with Mark Montano {thanks for the cuff Mark}. He did some cool stuff with sharpies and plain white sneakers. He was also screenprinting t-shirts and totes using the Yudu {click the smaller pic of Russell's face to watch a video} and embellishing all sorts of stuff using Cricut. Mark does something he calls "upcycle" which is essentially taking things you already have and making them cool again. Talented guy; without a doubt! If you want DIY ideas, check out his book The Big Ass Book of Craft. We snapped a shot with him. I clearly didn't know which camera to focus on.

Nate and I will be watching Lymlife today in SLC and then we'll head up to Park City again to spend some time with Mark and gang. We'll probably be doing some really great stuff together at CHA next week in LA.

PRETTY THINGS FROM ANTHRO

2009-01-10T18:56:00.005-07:00

Love the first dress. I think it would be perfect for the semi-formal dinner Nate and I will attend in Mexico! The sweater in the middle photo is perfect for wearing at work with jeans and a pair of bright colored flats. The last dress I'd wear with a cute short sleeved cardigan and flat sandals when Nate and I take a rock-n-roll tour in London...

SHOW BLISTERS TO THE DOOR

2009-01-10T18:48:00.002-07:00

I had HUGE blisters on my feet from walking around CES in inappropriate footwear. These are the only thing I've ever found that simply make blisters feel like they never happened. I vow to keep a few in my purse in case of emergencies.