It's here. It's late. It's guilt the way guilt should be enjoyed...topped with a light whip topping of guilt. And colorful sprinkles of guilt dusting the guilt whip topping. What is a guilt journal you ask? Here is the explanation from my first-ever guilt journal.
You know how sometimes just talking about things makes you feel better? Well, I'm putting that to the test in a new weekly series I'm calling my "Guilt Journal". Every Mormon girl has one. Maybe not neatly printed out in the leather bound book she keeps bedside...but it's there. It could be masquerading as a "to do" list or it might just be rattling around in her conscience. One way or another, it exists and it wreaks havoc on her mental health.
1. I'm drinking WAY TOO MUCH SODA. Stop me, oh oh oh stop me. I've been really tired lately. Partly because I've had a few late nights mixed with a little cherubic alarm clock that has no snooze setting. But also, I'm drinking a ton of it because that little Tonia voice inside my head keeps saying, "mmmm, cold tingly soda right outside in the garage. Go get one before you fall asleep loading the dishwasher". And then I do it. Like I'm a robot without conscious thought of my own. I crack open the can and take a swig of the effervescence and I have the will to finish the dishes and move on to the laundry or maybe the toilets.
2. The toilets. They need cleaning. The last few times anyone has even walked thru our front door I'm positive they are going to ask for the loo and I'm dying inside. Because that bathroom doesn't properly represent me. I'm a clean, sparkly, minty smelling bathroom kind of girl. And that doesn't even sort of describe my bathrooms right now. If you come to my house, do no ask to pee in my bathroom. Because I'll say yes, and then immediately break up with you and never look you in the face again.
3. My skin. Let's start at the top. My face skin has really taken a hard hit. After Clementine I think I lost whatever hormone gives your skin the ability to bounce back. Now mine just lays there like a salmon filet losing its battle with gravity. Also, I'm getting a lot of zits. I know I need to take better care of my face and it is safe to say I probably need to get a facial to hit the restart button. Moving on to the rest of my skin...it's dry. The kind of dry that will sneak up on you and turn your hands to leather and your legs to snake skin with no warning. It's my fault because I like to take hot baths followed by being too lazy to ever put lotion on. It's my fault. It's my fault.
4. You know those books you can make with shutterfly? Well, last year around Christmas I thought it would be fun to make one of Clementine's first 6-months and give one to my grandma, one to my mom, one to Nate's grandma and one to Nate's mom for Valentine's day. You know...how cute, loving other moms do. So I started, and it was looking really cute, and the captions were the kind that would make anyone cry. And it was coming along fine. And then I stopped. And I thought, no biggie, I"ll give them for Easter. Easter came and went. And I thought again, no biggie, I'll give them for Mother's Day. And that day also came and went. So now Clementine is 10 months old and I still haven't made the book and now I just think I should hold off and make one that covers her entire first year and give them to everyone on Clementine's birthday...or for Halloween, or for Thanksgiving. Or hell, let's be honest, maybe for Christmas.
5. My closet needs to be cleaned out. I don't even need to go into a lot of detail about it. Let's just say it's full of stuff I never wear. There is some I want to wear again, and some I know I'll never ever wear again in my life. It's just such a daunting task. Tantamount to cleaning out our basement which really needs to happen. Partly so I can sleep at night and partly because we are starting to think seriously about finishing our basement in the next few months and I just don't think they will start construction with my piles of crap with no purpose or intent laying around in every single corner.
Can I please stop at five? There are so so many things I feel guilty about but I just cannot bring myself to admit more than five at a time.
Unrelated to my guilt but needing opinion: We are getting a new dining table and I need support or a reality slap. Someone? Anyone? What do you think about this table and these chairs? I can't decide if I want this light wood color or white (for the chair). Someone please take my hand and walk me into the light.