DEAR CLEMENTINE

I found out I was pregnant on new year's eve. I was using an app on my iPhone to track my periods because unlike most 39 year olds I could never answer the Doctor's question, "when was your last menses"? I'd stammer around like a 12 year old and finally answer, "something like 8 days ago...I think".

Anyway, the iPhone app surprised me on new year's eve by saying that I was a whole month and a half late; after a lot of denial and minor league panic attacks I took a pregnancy test, reading all instructions on the box carefully.

1. pee on the wand
2. hold level for accuracy
3. wait a minimum of 30 seconds to process

Step 1 was easy but by the time I pulled the wand away to get a better look, the answer was there - flashing in my face like a strobe light. PREGNANT. My hand shook, I spent the next 5 minutes in a cold sweat just sitting on the toilet saying over and over again, "I'm pregnant, oh my hell". The reaction wasn't necessarily a negative one but probably what you'd expect from a 39 year old woman doesn't adapt to change easily. That's me.
Nate was skiing. Which in hindsight was a good thing because I had the whole day to process the news. I went to GNC and asked about prenatal vitamins and when the sales clerk asked me, "are you expecting", I choked on my answer. "Maybe". That's how I answered. MAYBE. What a chicken shit.
I consulted one friend before Nate got home. "Should I tell him? How should I break the news? What if he isn't exactly happy about it? Then what? THEN WHAT?" She advised me to tell him immediately and when I heard the garage door open I had the nearly undeniable instinct to hide in the closet. But instead I stuck to the plan. Years before, in anticipation of this day, I was shopping in San Francisco and found a onsie that said, "My Dad's a Geek". I bought it and figured it would come in handy. And it did. The onsie fit nicely into a small gift bag with the pregnancy test tied to it with a bow. When Nate got home I explained that there was one Christmas present that had arrived a little late but I hoped he liked it anyway.
When he opened up the bag all my worries went away - he smiled from ear to ear and gave me a big long hug which was exactly what I needed. It was really fun to have a secret with Nate that night as we hung out with friends at a New Years Eve party. It was our little secret and she'll be our little creation in another 3.5 months.