WHAT I WISH FOR

Because Clementine came six weeks early, we missed being the guests of honor at two baby showers. My mom and sisters were planning a book shower since there is some statistic that suggests any child with more than 20 books {or something like that} has a much higher chance of going to college. We really wanted to stack the deck for my little one.

The other shower was being planned by dear friends. They custom-designed invitations and decorated the house with handmade tissue pom poms, paper garland and hand-embellished baby onsies. We missed the original date but rescheduled when Clementine was about 2-months old. During the shower they handed out these beautiful little cards and asked people to fill them out. They had statements like "I hope you grow_____", and "I hope you learn_____" and "I hope you aren't afraid of _____". It was fun to read all the wishes my friends had for my daughter. The daughter that lay asleep in the arms of one of my dearest long-time friends the entire night.

Their answers included things like "I hope you grow a garden" and "I hope you learn to ignore mean people" and my favorite, "I hope you aren't afraid of your own smell". I can't wait for Clementine to be old enough to understand the wisdom and the humor of their answers. If she is anything like me she'll swoon at the sentimental ones and belly-laugh at the funnies.

When I think about Clementine getting older I do have certain wishes for her. They don't waiver. I want her to be confident. To know she is loved unconditionally by her parents. To find good friends and keep them forever. I want her to know God and appreciate his creations. I want her to be kind, sincere, adventurous and determined. 

There are even things I hope she inherits from me (as imperfect as I am). I hope she is natural (please little one, don't wear gobs of makeup), I hope she cherishes people (for I do), I hope her heart is big (sometimes too big, the world needs it), I hope she can fall asleep easily, give good hugs, trust her intuition, try new things. I hope, when she least expects it, she'll be overcome by a sunset, a mountain or a rainstorm...I mean REALLY overcome. I hope she loves walking a busy city street and a mountain path equally well. I hope the ocean soothes her soul. And may she do all of this while whistling a Wilco tune or something from the great Johnny Cash. 

For me, my wish is simple; may I be patient and fiercely loyal. And may I live to be 150 years old so I don't miss a minute of this miracle called Clementine.

 
Do you have any special wishes for you and yours?

THANK YOU 2011

Two Thousand and Eleven has been both ugly and beautiful. Without getting specific, the ugly part ended around 5:00 pm on April 20 whereupon my frown turned upside down and I was able to liberate myself from a really bad situation. Ridiculous circumstances; ridiculous people. Ahhh. Relief. Freedom.

But let's focus on the beautiful part of this year. Please. The beauty started late in 2010 when little Clementine secretly joined our family. I didn't know. Nate didn't know. But Dec 31 we both discovered her clandestine plan and celebrated in secret among friends. There was something fun about locking eyes with Nate in a room full of new-year celebrators, and sharing THAT secret with him.

I became more real in 2011. Removing the crap gave me the opportunity to really figure out who I am. So, let me introduce myself. I'm Tonia. I turned 40 this year; I'm told I look 30 which I find kind of fabulous. I love lip gloss but recently decided to try red lipstick. I take long baths but it's less realistic with a baby. I like trying new recipes and I'm almost always surprised when they taste good. I curse less these days but when I do I REALLY mean it. If you see me picking my cuticles you'll know I'm either nervous or bored. I hate socks.

I'm a mom now. Three short days after turning 40 (and six weeks ahead of schedule) a little 4.5 lb Clementine burst into our lives with such vim and vigor. I've never met someone and immediately known what kind of animal they would be...until Clemmy. I spent ten days in the hospital, staring at this little person who was more brave, patient, ferocious, determined and gracious than anyone I've ever met. She was my LION. Which I guess makes me one, too.

I'm much quieter. I don't mean I've stopped talking or being super obnoxious; I just mean that my thoughts are more quiet. It's a little more peaceful in my noggin now. Clementine had a lot to do with that but so has weekly therapy and LOTS of hard work. When I'm tired and the week before my period, all bets are off though.

I had someone at the doctor's office call me a homemaker and my heart jumped into my throat in the same way it would if someone told me my baby was ugly. I'm still working through that one. Changing my VP acronym to SAHM (google it) has been super tough but one of the very best things I've ever done. However, could someone PLEASE figure out a good way to help mom's feel more appreciated. Maybe mother's day will work; I'll let you know.

And let's be clear. If my body wasn't so freaking comfortable in yoga pants I'd be wearing those super cool colored jeans this season. I love them. Probably bright day-glow yellow and saturated blue.

In March, Nate and I sat in our hotel room on the 8th floor of the Marriott in Oahu and watched the destruction of the tsunami hit Japan. And then we settled in for a long night as we heard emergency alarms sound all over the island. In April we went to Arizona to hear The Black Keys (rad show) and then flew to San Diego to see The Kills the very next night. I was pregnant and believe you me...we got good seats because of it. Clementine enjoyed the shows.

Thank you for the good and the bad, 2011. Thank you for teaching me so much, taking so much away, and then giving it back tenfold. Thank you for being beautiful. For Clementine. For jobs and a home. For Nate. Thank you for family, for my hair, for yoga pants and the internet. Thank you for friends and love and baby formula. Thank you for mammograms and c-sections and baby magic lotion. Thank you for being over now so I can start new and fresh.

Also, and completely unrelated, LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL MY LION IS. Did you just melt into a big human puddle on the floor? I don't blame you. It's been my constant state since July 22, 5:47pm.

SHE CHANGED ME

When I found out I was pregnant last New Year's Eve it changed me. I was no longer just Tonia. I was responsible for someone other than myself and I embraced it with the warmest of hugs (mixed with a smidge of "OH MY HELL...I'M GONNA BE A MAMA?"). All I needed that New Year's Eve was Nate's smile and his hug all full of excitement and I was in. Still scared witless but ALL IN.

There were obvious changes that came with pregnancy like cankles and a fat neck but I tried to take all that in stride because what are you gonna do? Right?

Then came July 22. I didn't realize I was going to meet her when I woke up that morning. And then the sweet nurse put her little face near mine and our eyes locked and in that moment I literally transformed. I think to truly understand how much I changed you'd have to know me before Clementine. I didn't really express a lot of emotion. To put it bluntly, more than one friend referred to me as "dead inside". Sad but true. I'm the girl that never cried at sad movies, never understood what it felt like to cry out of happiness, and absolutely never lost control in public. EVER. Not because I thought it was bad or inappropriate but because I certainly didn't like feeling so exposed. I felt the emotion to be certain...but never so impulsively that I couldn't trap it in my head and not allow it to seep any other place.

Then along came my beloved Clementine. The best way I can describe what happened to me is that she cracked me wide open. I suddenly felt so vulnerable and happy and honored and freaked out to be her mom and I was literally blind-sided with every emotion imaginable. Some I was familiar with and others I'd only heard about. That first week in the hospital was such a roller coaster of mostly unexplored ups and downs. I'd sit in my hospital room attached to the breast pump and sob. Sometimes I would sob because I was happy to know her; finally. Other times I'd sob out of fear. Just thinking about all the mistakes I'd have to watch her make or the heartbreak of seeing another kid be mean to her.

So the uncontrollable crying has stopped. But what is left is a vulnerability. I'm now someone who cries or feels emotional several times a day. I hear "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire" and think about celebrating Christmases with Clementine and Nate and, oh, there is a lump in my throat. I look at my unfinished dining room and imagine dinners and holidays and birthdays spent there and, yup, here it comes. I look over at Nate kissing her on the cheek and I can hardly avoid blubbering right into my brussel sprouts.

So there you have it. I'm forever changed. Forever. And I absolutely love the new me.

My two favorite sets of lips. And yes, I almost lost it in my brussel sprouts.

Dear People Magazine,

I usually brush my teeth by1pm. My makeup routine on a good day is mascara, lip gloss and a little blush. Some days I don't brush my hair at all. And I recently coined the term "winter of knits" on a shopping trip with Kym and our wee ones. You see, I haven't put on any clothes with structure since I was about 6 months pregnant. Everything I wear is knit. Thank goodness there are some beautiful options out there; unfortunately an entire knit ensemble makes me look like I've had the flu indefinitely.

All this being said, I feel like a total rockstar whenever I enter a room - as long as that room has Clementine in it. She swoons. She coos. She looks at me like I'm the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON EVER. Sure, my breath might be heavy-laden with onion from last nights pico de gallo and I might be wearing this lavender t-shirt for a third day...but her eyes say, "Stars are just like us". To her beautiful big, blue eyes I'm on the pages of People Magazine and I look this cool doing mundane things like loading the dishwasher or scrubbing her bottles. P.S. I DON'T.

Don't let her expression fool you. She thinks I'm RAD.

In the end, if I'm a celebrity in Clementine's eyes, I've won the lottery.

DEAR CLEMENTINE

I found out I was pregnant on new year's eve. I was using an app on my iPhone to track my periods because unlike most 39 year olds I could never answer the Doctor's question, "when was your last menses"? I'd stammer around like a 12 year old and finally answer, "something like 8 days ago...I think".

Anyway, the iPhone app surprised me on new year's eve by saying that I was a whole month and a half late; after a lot of denial and minor league panic attacks I took a pregnancy test, reading all instructions on the box carefully.

1. pee on the wand
2. hold level for accuracy
3. wait a minimum of 30 seconds to process

Step 1 was easy but by the time I pulled the wand away to get a better look, the answer was there - flashing in my face like a strobe light. PREGNANT. My hand shook, I spent the next 5 minutes in a cold sweat just sitting on the toilet saying over and over again, "I'm pregnant, oh my hell". The reaction wasn't necessarily a negative one but probably what you'd expect from a 39 year old woman doesn't adapt to change easily. That's me.
Nate was skiing. Which in hindsight was a good thing because I had the whole day to process the news. I went to GNC and asked about prenatal vitamins and when the sales clerk asked me, "are you expecting", I choked on my answer. "Maybe". That's how I answered. MAYBE. What a chicken shit.
I consulted one friend before Nate got home. "Should I tell him? How should I break the news? What if he isn't exactly happy about it? Then what? THEN WHAT?" She advised me to tell him immediately and when I heard the garage door open I had the nearly undeniable instinct to hide in the closet. But instead I stuck to the plan. Years before, in anticipation of this day, I was shopping in San Francisco and found a onsie that said, "My Dad's a Geek". I bought it and figured it would come in handy. And it did. The onsie fit nicely into a small gift bag with the pregnancy test tied to it with a bow. When Nate got home I explained that there was one Christmas present that had arrived a little late but I hoped he liked it anyway.
When he opened up the bag all my worries went away - he smiled from ear to ear and gave me a big long hug which was exactly what I needed. It was really fun to have a secret with Nate that night as we hung out with friends at a New Years Eve party. It was our little secret and she'll be our little creation in another 3.5 months.

HOORAY FOR LILLY FAITH FREY!

She is here. She is healthy. And she is completely lovely. Her cheeks are as kissable as they look.
Congrats to Kym and Martin!

TWO IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN ONE!

On Wednesday my brother Ryan and his wife Ruth had a baby girl {welcome Ruby Rose} to the world. And on Friday my brother Andrew and his wife LaShel had a darling little boy {hooray Tucker Joshua}. Both babies and moms are doing well and I am especially grateful that they were mindful of my schedule so I was able to see and hold each of them before all the new shine was rubbed and kissed off!

Ruby Rose






















Tucker Joshua

DEAR KYM

Dear Kym,
I think these little stuffed toys from Dwell Baby are a great deviation from the collection of stuffed animals we won at the county fair and kept in our bedrooms until we were 17. Don't you?

DEAR KYM

Cariboo makes the prettiest little bassinets. One of these would look perfect tucked in a corner of your bedroom for those necessary midnight feedings.

DEAR KYM

My friend Kym is pregnant {hooray}. She will be finding out the gender soon, but in the meantime I'm going to devote a segment of the blog to things I think Kym should buy for her and her baby.

Dear Kym,
This bent-wood baby bouncer from Pottery Barn kids is so modern and sleek. It's not like those Winnie the Pooh numbers that vibrate with batteries.

ANNOYING PARENTS; BEAUTIFUL BABY

I don't know if two people could irritate me more than Brangelina. But look at the offspring they create.

YAY FOR RYAN, RUTH AND HUGO

It's official. Ryan and Ruth are having no 2. They make such good baby.

BABY NAMES

Subtitle: No! I'm not pregnant.






















On our first date, Nate and I were making fun of his roommate who had already proposed to a girl he'd been out with just a few times. We were trying to think of ways to steal their thunder. We considered announcing our engagement and upcoming wedding a week before theirs. But then we decided to name our firstborn because it felt so much more robust and inappropriate.
Well, as it turns out, our first date turned into many more and here we are 2.5 years later happily married. When we do have kids, if we honor our first date declarations, our children will be named Seamus {m} and Imogen {f}.

IS THAT YOUR CHILD; IN THE AC/DC TEE?

I've decided to stay as far away as possible from the Walt Disney styles influencing kids today. I mean, I'm not royalty so my child should NOT grow up thinking she is a princess. When I was younger I used to wear basic jeans, an iron-on ET baseball t-shirt, and sneakers almost every day. I was comfortable, never worried about ruining an "outfit" and I still think I did it all with a little pizazz.
I can appreciate the occasional special outfit. There's no question that when it's appropriate, a full-blown look can be undeniably heartbreaking on a little one. But for the every-day wear. My future son or daughter will be wearing this kind of fashion statement.
If you are interested in a rock and roll baby, check out www.chasescloset.com, inkydinktees.com, and damselworld.com. I'm sure there are plenty more.

LITTLE MISS ADELIA

Meet one of the people I'm most anxious to see at Christmas time. I can't wait to kiss her cheeks. I haven't seen this little one since August and that is just way too long to wait to see someone who changes every other day.

HUGO IS BIG ON LOOKS!

Subtitled: {Andrew and LaShel, please send photos}


I got these adorable photos of Hugo last week. Yes, he's an exact duplicate of his daddy and yes, yes, he might be the cutest little boy I've ever seen. I can safely say that because...look at him.

PAISLEY SAGE RICKS: WELCOME!

See! Look how cute she is. I spoke to Brandi this afternoon and she reported her nine hour labor as "not too bad". Brandi, Tim and Paisley are all healthy and adapting well! Here are Paisley's credentials: weight: {one of the last times she'll ever want it broadcast on cyberspace} 7lbs 1oz., length: 19" {despite my prediction that she'd be 25" at birth}, hair: YES, cute: Definitely! Congratulations Tim and Brandi! Sorry I trumped your baby's birth on my blog but I figured you'd be too busy.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING SO SWEET?

This was Hugo and Adelia's first play date. So darling.

MY WORST NIGHTMARE

This is, in fact, my worse nightmare. I'm pretty sure I even saw something similar to this at the lake a few nights ago. Argh.

ADELIA THOMPSON: ONE OF US

This just in...Andrew and LaShel have decided to name their darling baby girl Adelia which happens to be a Thompson family name. LaShel discovered it in our geneology and I think it's darling.
One important question with any new Thompson baby is, "do they have the eyebrow?" The "eyebrow" is a family trait born from such a strong gene that all my siblings have it and have managed to pass it on to their children. Abby, Sophie and Olivia have it passed on by my sister. Hugo has it passed on by my brother. And Andrew says that although Adelia's eyebrows are still pretty dainty, it appears that she has it, too.
To describe the Thompson eyebrow: The edge nearest the nose tends to fan a bit. Most eyebrows will all grow in one direction so they look organized. The Thompson brow has a momentary freak out before it falls in line. It's typically occurs with the left eyebrow.

Thank goodness for tweezers and eyebrow trimmers and Anastasia! But it is a good way to determine if a new offspring is one of us! It appears that Adelia is, indeed, one of us.